Enlightening weekend!

You ever have a moment or a weekend where you've gained insight? You've gained a new perspective, a new outlook, something that just enlightens your mind and being. This past weekend was just that for me. It was like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday or like going to church but not going to church. I was being taught about essentially the same concept but through different avenues. First, I went to have a tarot reading for the first time. I've always been open-minded with learning something new, particularly with spirituality. I believe that anything spiritual is a forever learning journey. It's never ending with infinite ideas and thoughts if you're open-minded and willing to listen. It doesn't hurt to try something new. So with the encouragement of a friend of mine, I went. Anytime she did, she always felt better about her situations so I thought why not? I won't get into what all she said but it definitely showed me that I'm on the right path with my thoughts and emotions. I've been working on daily affirmations and mantras and turning it into a habit by choice. I've been reading a lot of Abraham Hicks and The Secret. It's so funny how through life, there are so many times that we can make a situation a positive one as opposed to a negative. Instead of me saying that 'it's Monday and I hate Mondays', I'm now saying 'I'm grateful I have even have a job to go to on Mondays'. Positivity thinking really does go a long way. The first card I pulled at the reading was 'Ask for what you want. Clarity is everything.' I can honestly attest to this. Without a doubt, when you ask for whatever you want, ask for the specifics and be very clear. I'll blog about these situations. It's the truth though. 

Secondly, I finally got to watch 'The Secret'. I watched it last night and was so blown away by the message that it literally took over my whole mindset. My thoughts going to be bed was different. My thoughts getting up this morning were different -positive. The whole idea of law of attraction is so profound and specific. I love that I have finally opened myself up to not only think more positive but to feel more positive. I look at every situation now with a positive attitude. My TTC journey, learning forgiveness and letting go, self love, my life and actions as a writer -everything will be affected by this and for the better. I'm so excited for everything I desired that is here already. I AM - It's a beautiful thing.

Locs update -5 months!

So two days before my 31st birthday, I went and got my locs retwisted. It's been five months since I started my locs. It's been a good transition so far. I'm truly loving it -the whole thing of watching them form and grow. This retwist was a little different. My loctician asked me if I'm ready for a style. I honestly didn't think my locs were long enough to have a style. He told me I got 'hang time'. I told him -ok, give me style, I trust you. He gave me this African crown style and I loved it. I'm not one for updos usually but it looked great. Then after about a week, I took the style down and was really surprised as to how long the locs are. I'm so happy. Next up -color!!! To be continued....

Merry Christmas BeyHive!

So...I love all kinds of music. I love Jazz, Neo-Soul, classical music. I love to dance and cry and laugh and sing and write and live to music. I love it all and I will admit I am a huge Beyonce fan. I used to deny it all the time. Not sure why. Maybe it was because she was every where doing everything. To me, all she did was since dance music. Nothing with any true depth. Don't get me wrong -I love to dance so Freakum Dress, Ring the Alarm, Crazy in Love, and Diva always got me hype at the gym and when I needed to write a very busy scene. Then I heard her sing Flaws and All on Ellen and immediately fell in love with the song. It showed that Beyonce wasn't just a powerful singer telling everyone that she could never be hurt or scared or afraid because she is the great and powerful Beyonce. I've always needed music that made me feel something other than I'm a diva and I don't have to worry about someone hurting me. I heard Flaws and All a month or two after I got engaged. I was so nervous about getting married after just two months of accepting this life long proposal. It just scared me. Flaws and All helped me out tremendously. If you're in a relationship, married or not, and haven't heard this, you need to. Anyone married would understand but also in a relationship, you would too. Then I saw the video and it showed so much of a vulnerable Beyonce, that I had to admit that I was a true diehard fan. I love her music, style, honesty, the whole thing. Didn't understand the name Blue Ivy, didn't believe she was with Jay-Z until I heard it from her lips that they were together but I was still with her fans every step of the way. I teared up when she announced that she was pregnant. I ooh and ah at the baby pictures and the more open she became, she became more accessible. Okay ---so flash forward to December 13, Beyonce releases her fifth album Beyonce. 17 tracks and 17 videos accompanied. I saw the 30 second video teasers and I think she's done it again. I love pretty much all of the songs. I thought the song she did with Drake but it'll grow me. I love them all though and can't wait to get the album. I would love to see her in concert. It's definitely on my Bucketlist however...unless I win tickets to see her or by some crazy way, she sees this post and invites me, I don't see it happening anytime soon. Peace and love.

Simple Pleasures

I am all about simple pleasures. I am an easy to please person -I don't need all of the glitzy shiny things. I've just never been like that. Simple things make me happy.


Case in point, I love the Amber Romance body lotion from Victoria's Secret. I've loved it for years now but rarely go into Vicki's spot because she's too high sometimes. Last time I had this lotion was when we went on the cruise last year. When we were flying back from Miami, I forgot that it was in my carry on instead of the luggage that went ahead and dang the man at the security post who took it. They didn't take coconut head monkey that we stored all of our medicine. No he took my lotion. I know it was his job and I know I should have remembered to pack it in the other bag but dang! It's ok...I'm not bitter. I just bought some. Just the smell of it brings me to a happy place.


Another simple pleasure helps with my sanity. Tea. Hot tea, sweet tea, McAlister's tea, Mickey D's sweet tea (when they make it right), herbal tea, just any kind of tea. It eases my mind, calms my nerves, and it's better for me than drinking soda or coffee. I have always loved tea.








Writing is definitely more than a hobby for me. It keeps my mind from overflowing with ideas and thoughts and fears and dreams. Writing allows me to express on my paper what my lips won't say. Writing keeps me alive and free. I just really love to write whether it's poetry or a scene in a novel or even a entry in my diary. Yes I still do have a personal diary. It's an APP on my phone so it's easier for me to write whenever I need to.

A Writer's Struggle

It's been about 2 1/2 years since I published my last novel and 3 1/2 years since I've written it. I mainly couldn't focus on writing while trying to plan the wedding and being married. I'm getting back into it now and working on my fourth novel. It took me a minute to get back into writing. I was climbing the hill of writer's block. I will admit though that the writer's block was self inflicted. Four couple of months, I was trying to write on my own like usual. The past three books just came into and the words would just fly off the page. The characters wouldn't leave me alone. I literally was hearing the voices. A true writer indeed. When story lines weren't panning out or when I wasn't hearing anything, I started to doubt myself quite a bit. Am I truly a writer or just crazy enough to write the others? How can I be writer and not write? None of what I was writing made sense. I was trying too hard. While I'm going through this, I'm on my FB timeline and see all of these new novels come out and although I was happy for my fellow writers, I couldn't help and think that I needed to write along the same lines as they. Dive into the same topics and characters -i.e. hood novels. Street life, thug life, etc. is very popular among readers, particularly black readers and I thought to myself maybe I should write about that. I even remember when promoting Karma Has a Name and a reader told me that although she thinks my book will be good, she will only read hood novels. When I asked her why, she said that's what she related to and it made sense. (She still bought a book though -not sure if she read it.) I then tried to write what I thought would be like these books and that's when the writer's block really came in. Anyone who knows me know that I know nothing about street life or 'hood' life. The closest thing I could say was me dating a guy that was all about that life. He grew up in it, lived it day and night, and basically associated any and everything about him to that. I learned a lot during that relationship. Outside of that, as hard as I could to write about that life, it came out fake and rough because not only was I trying too hard but it came off as that. I had to quickly stop that. I was trying to be something I'm not and as a writer, that's when I'm the most real about myself. I had to ask myself why would I write that -for money or more readers? Readers aren't stupid. They'll know if something is genuine or not. So I let that go. 

Once I did that, I started writing. This novel I'm writing now will touch home more than any of my other novels. The first three dealt with topics or dramas of people I knew or I would display traits in my characters that I wished I had (i.e. being a bad girl). It was fun meeting and living with those characters. This novel will hit personal issues that I'm going through. It will be fictional but it'll expand on feelings that I've been having and battles that I'm fighting but with a plot twist of course :) I love writing because not only is it therapy for me but when it's done, I'll be able to say I'm a writer again instead I used to be a writing.So it's coming. I'm going through a writer's struggle but it's coming along. :)

Never judge a book by it's cover part 1

I just finished watching the Behind the Music Nicole Scherzinger and I was literally amazed about the behind the scenes of her life. You see this woman who is thin, tall, beautiful, singer, dancer, exotic looking and yet she hated herself for years and years. She battled extreme shyness and an eating disorder while being the lead singer of a famous record selling girl group. I know that people outside of the celebrity lifestyle, myself included, look at celebrities and think that they must be on the top of the world. They have money and fame. They can get whatever they want, practically date who ever they want and they should always be happy. When these celebrities, particularly women, talk about how they don't think they're beautiful, they're single and been single for a long time, can't find love, have abandonment issues, don't love themselves or their bodies, although I know they all are human, it's almost baffling to hear. I do, with each story, gain more respect for them to know that while I've disliked the fact that I'm short, wore glasses, plump body, not being light skinned with the long flowing hair, the thin tall model looking Halle Berry look like is disgusted with herself as well. I don't know if it's respect or just knowing that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling.

As I watched this program, I then began to think about someone who I know that I once envied. I met her almost two years ago. I was just getting back into my spoken word but when I had her one of pieces, it was truthful and raw and my piece wasn't even close to that by far. I think I even had to go on stage after her and completely compared every thing I wrote to hers and felt that I shouldn't put a pen to words ever again. We then became Facebook friends and I would read some of her posts about the love she found and how she was welcoming a new baby into the world. I was honestly happy for her and never thought ill thoughts about her. It was never she think she cute or any of that typical hating that a lot (not all) of women do to each other. It was more of turning the negative on myself like why can't I have this or that. As time went on, her FB stats began to show how unhappy she was and the question of why am I still single kept coming up. By this time, I had gotten married and very happy with my love life. After awhile, I had to check myself and tell myself that not everyone that looks like they are happy and doing great isn't. The person that looks better than I do isn't perfect so why am I beating myself up? (more to continue)

Growing...

This is just a random blog that's been on the brain for a minute so bear with. March happens to be Women's History Month. Last year, I started researching facts about the unknown black women that aren't profiled as much as others. I learned a lot about different women and shared that info on my Twitter and Facebook pages. This year, I thought I would take a different route. 

I was born in Korea, raised in Germany and came to the states in the early 90s. Raised in a two parent home with one younger brother in a middle class home. I had always been shy and self conscious about how I looked. I used to be super skinny with a big forehead, big nose, thick hair and big glasses. A lot of that hasn't changed except for the skinny part. None of my features or my skin tone 't really bothered me too much....or so I thought. I remember once in the 5th grade where it was the parent/teacher conference. My mother gave me the 3 braids (2 in the front and one big one in the back) with the big ball hair ties. I had these and my pink glasses. We walked in and my teacher said, "Wow! You look just like Whoopi Goldberg!" He then starts laughing loudly. For the rest of the year I was taunted with the nickname Whoopi or Celie from the Color Purple. When he first said that, I was hurt. I felt ugly and ashamed and extra black. It was like I knew I was the darkest student in the class but now, I was being followed with Danny Glover's famous line

Look at you. Your black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all! 

 Needless to say, I became even more of a recluse and whatever self esteem I had was now lost. That nickname followed me until 7th grade. Then I remember seeing the movies Posse and Low Down Dirty Shame and saw Sally Richardson-Whitfield. I immediately wanted to look like her. I wanted to be tall, skinny, pretty and light. At least lighter than I was. Then that led to me wanting to look like Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams (singer), Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, etc. I never tried to lighten my skin or bash myself loudly. It was more of a silent cry --why do I look like this. Why have I have to be compared to a woman that will forever be known as dark, black ugly Celie? 

Junior year of high school, I read Black Boy by Richard Wright. It's one of my all time favorite books. I absolutely loved it and I slowly began to love the skin that I'm in. If you read the book, you'll know why. Then I saw Lauryn Hill singing Killing Me Softly. For the first time, I saw a dark skinned woman that I thought I could relate to physically. Not looks-wise because I definitely don't look anything like her but just of how proud she was of her and her skin. That was the positive. The negative of that was it took for me to look at a celebrity to really appreciate my mother. I look just like my mother and during all that time that I was hating me and how I looked, I was in part hating her as well because she gave me these looks. She gave me this skin. After I truly woke up, I then began to look at all of our shades and tones and was proud of what I am and who I am. Today, I can honestly say that I love the fact that I may look like Whoopi Goldberg. I think she is an incredible person on so many levels and would not want to change myself. Now my weight (insert sigh). 

 So that is my history as a black woman so far. What has your history shown you?