What's wrong with you?!

My people -if you know anyone that is trying to have a child and running into infertility, pleee--aase do not ask what's wrong with you?! Please don't say that they can have one of yours because they get on your nerves. Please don't say that you must not be having sex right because you have four kids already. If you think that you're being the good friend, I can reassure and tell you that you're not. The couple, particularly the woman is going through enough without that great friend telling her just how wrong she's doing everything. Fortunately I've only had one person say something close to this. I was telling this person that we may have to look to other avenues on having a baby and they said "Why aren't you just having sex? Isn't that the normal way?" The normal way -that stung a little bit. I defensively took that as saying I'm not normal. My body and what it's not doing is not normal like I'm some freakishly deformed thing (not a woman) who should be in a zoo somewhere displayed as the broken female alien that I am. I will admit that I went to the far end of my imagination with this but for that moment, I felt like that. I don't understand a lot of things about this but I wonder why it doesn't register that the woman has asked all of these questions to herself and her spouse. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? What is wrong with us? Does God hate me? Am I so crazy and deranged that I shouldn't reproduce? Why can't I have what I've been wanting for so long? What is wrong with me? 

So...just a little advice for those who are friends with, sisters with, brothers with, mothers and fathers with someone who has or is trying to have a child, it's truly a roller coaster -lots of up and down emotions and sometimes asking, "What's wrong with you?" just might make the drop even harder. #venting

The Best Man Holiday is the best movie in 2013

I have not seen a lot of movies in the theaters at all. I typically wait until it's in the RedBox. I finally saw 42 a couple of weeks ago and loved it. That movie was done so well and I tip my hat Chadwick Boseman and Alan Tudyk for all the movie but for one particular scene that I cringe just thinking about. If you've seen 42, you'll know that scene I'm talking about. I however will have to say that my new favorite movie is The Best Man Holiday. It's by far the best movie I've seen in a long time. First of all, I think I was like a lot of other people who thought why is there a sequel after almost 13 years. I was a senior in high school when the first one came out. I loved it. As I was hearing more about it, I said that I would check it out because the whole cast is so great at their craft but we don't see them on the screen as much as I think we should.That's another blog.

 

So flash forward to last weekend --the movie premiered and I'm seeing nothing but great reviews. In fact the majority of the reviews were "I laughed and cried!" For anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to cry. I hate crying and I'm definitely not going to cry in public. I mean I don't even like crying in front of my husband. So smart me -I thought why not go to the movies with my father or brother. They certainly aren't going to cry which will then deter me from crying. So Dad and I go and the first half of the movie was hilarious, had some corny moments like most romantic comedies do but the second half -*insert sigh. At first, I was doing good. I could hear other people around sniffling. I could hear tissue boxes opening in preparation for what was coming. But I was good. I kept it together. That lasted for about a good ten minutes. After that, the tears would not stop crying. I cried during the movie. I cried leaving the movie while talking to my Dad about me crying AND I cried on the way home. Like.a.baby. I will not reveal anything because you really need to see this movie. 

I will say that this movie touched so many things in my everyday life that I probably needed that cry. They hit black men and women with issues of infertility to writer's block to pride to faith and holding onto it. Overall -it was a beautiful movie and when I see it again, I will definitely bring my own tissues!

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC

Never judge a book by its cover part 2

I have many talents but one that I can honestly say that I do well is keeping my life at home or hidden. I can smile, laugh, drink, be professional, keep a conversation, drive, speak and work all day long. I'll then come home and tear everything I did apart. Doubts and fears would kick in hard and I would question everything I did. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? When someone would call, all of that was pushed away and I was good. Friends of mine would ask me things like why is everything perfect in your life or I wish I had your life. I would tell them that it's certainly not perfect, I just don't talk about it. When I turned 30 (even a little before), I learned that I had to a)let things go and talk about them and b) know to never judge a book by its cover. Never think that someone is happy when they may not be. Never think that someone's life is so much better. Never think that the outside appearance, whether good or bad, is just that. 

Never judge a book by it's cover part 1

I just finished watching the Behind the Music Nicole Scherzinger and I was literally amazed about the behind the scenes of her life. You see this woman who is thin, tall, beautiful, singer, dancer, exotic looking and yet she hated herself for years and years. She battled extreme shyness and an eating disorder while being the lead singer of a famous record selling girl group. I know that people outside of the celebrity lifestyle, myself included, look at celebrities and think that they must be on the top of the world. They have money and fame. They can get whatever they want, practically date who ever they want and they should always be happy. When these celebrities, particularly women, talk about how they don't think they're beautiful, they're single and been single for a long time, can't find love, have abandonment issues, don't love themselves or their bodies, although I know they all are human, it's almost baffling to hear. I do, with each story, gain more respect for them to know that while I've disliked the fact that I'm short, wore glasses, plump body, not being light skinned with the long flowing hair, the thin tall model looking Halle Berry look like is disgusted with herself as well. I don't know if it's respect or just knowing that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling.

As I watched this program, I then began to think about someone who I know that I once envied. I met her almost two years ago. I was just getting back into my spoken word but when I had her one of pieces, it was truthful and raw and my piece wasn't even close to that by far. I think I even had to go on stage after her and completely compared every thing I wrote to hers and felt that I shouldn't put a pen to words ever again. We then became Facebook friends and I would read some of her posts about the love she found and how she was welcoming a new baby into the world. I was honestly happy for her and never thought ill thoughts about her. It was never she think she cute or any of that typical hating that a lot (not all) of women do to each other. It was more of turning the negative on myself like why can't I have this or that. As time went on, her FB stats began to show how unhappy she was and the question of why am I still single kept coming up. By this time, I had gotten married and very happy with my love life. After awhile, I had to check myself and tell myself that not everyone that looks like they are happy and doing great isn't. The person that looks better than I do isn't perfect so why am I beating myself up? (more to continue)

Learning to embrace the messy hair

So far within this journey back to natural, I have encountered a couple of things that I want to share. Luckily I have found the very moments in picture form. I know it's a process and it is very comforting that I'm not alone in all of these experiences. It's just funny for something to happen and then see someone else feeling the same way.

Are you on there again?

First it was Myspace. I was on Myspace pretty much every chance I had -constantly changing the design, adding different music and have actually met some great people through it. I wasn't too quick on Facebook but absolutely loved Twitter when I got an account. Still do. Now -I finally got onto Facebook and did the same thing. I'm on Twitter and Facebook everyday. Well, now ladies and gents, I have a new addiction and I have my co-worker to thank for this one. She asked me, damn near couldn't believe it --"So you're not on Pinterest?" When I shook my head, it was an immediate tutorial on how to do Pinterest and what all it can do. As I gradually began creating boards, all kind of thoughts raced through my head.
 "Damn! I wish I would have used this when I was wedding planning!" 
23 boards and 3,747 pins later, I think I get on the site everyday. One thing I will say about Pinterest, in my addiction defense, I have learned a lot of useful tools on there in regard to household tips, decorating, writing ideas and pictures I'm not sure I would ever find. Pinterest has especially helped with my #naturalhair journey. I have found so many different tips on the best oils and moisturizers to use to transitioning tips to hairstyles to inspiration. In case you want to check it out, here's my Natural Hairstyles board. I do have 807 pins on there but each one is worth it. I have a couple of pins where it lists the top 10 natural bloggers to just things that I would have constantly search for and save thousands of bookmarks or favorites on my PC when they are all right there. Just such a wonderful thing --that Pinterest. :) Now if they could just figure out a way to not duplicate a pin. I'm sure in my Natural Hairstyles board alone, I have many duplicated pictures of the same glamorous awesome braid out, locs or Afro. Any ways, thought I'd share something that keeps me distracted. Happy living!

Lesson learned

Lesson number one: Just because I watch a Youtube video of a woman with natural hair and she shows step by step how to do a particular style and I follow it to the T, does not mean that my hair will come out like hers. Every head is different from texture, length and stages. I twisted my hair last night with the intent to let the twists out in the morning and go to work. Basically I wanted this look.

Yeah...it didn't come out like that. Because I am early transitioning -super early that the top of the hair looked like this but my edges were really straight. So curly and then straight. My initial reaction was "Wowwwww!" After that, I told myself hey -being natural doesn't mean I have to wear it down all the time. I found a clip, pinned it up, bobby pinned some stray hairs in the back and left a small section as a side bang. A couple of years ago, I would have stayed home from work, went and got my hair done and came back to work smiling because hell yeah- I just got my hair done. A couple of years ago, not knowing any better, would have been upset that it didn't come out exactly like the girl in the video. As I read and research and learn the way my hair is and grows, I feel stronger with my hair.

Growing...

This is just a random blog that's been on the brain for a minute so bear with. March happens to be Women's History Month. Last year, I started researching facts about the unknown black women that aren't profiled as much as others. I learned a lot about different women and shared that info on my Twitter and Facebook pages. This year, I thought I would take a different route. 

I was born in Korea, raised in Germany and came to the states in the early 90s. Raised in a two parent home with one younger brother in a middle class home. I had always been shy and self conscious about how I looked. I used to be super skinny with a big forehead, big nose, thick hair and big glasses. A lot of that hasn't changed except for the skinny part. None of my features or my skin tone 't really bothered me too much....or so I thought. I remember once in the 5th grade where it was the parent/teacher conference. My mother gave me the 3 braids (2 in the front and one big one in the back) with the big ball hair ties. I had these and my pink glasses. We walked in and my teacher said, "Wow! You look just like Whoopi Goldberg!" He then starts laughing loudly. For the rest of the year I was taunted with the nickname Whoopi or Celie from the Color Purple. When he first said that, I was hurt. I felt ugly and ashamed and extra black. It was like I knew I was the darkest student in the class but now, I was being followed with Danny Glover's famous line

Look at you. Your black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all! 

 Needless to say, I became even more of a recluse and whatever self esteem I had was now lost. That nickname followed me until 7th grade. Then I remember seeing the movies Posse and Low Down Dirty Shame and saw Sally Richardson-Whitfield. I immediately wanted to look like her. I wanted to be tall, skinny, pretty and light. At least lighter than I was. Then that led to me wanting to look like Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams (singer), Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, etc. I never tried to lighten my skin or bash myself loudly. It was more of a silent cry --why do I look like this. Why have I have to be compared to a woman that will forever be known as dark, black ugly Celie? 

Junior year of high school, I read Black Boy by Richard Wright. It's one of my all time favorite books. I absolutely loved it and I slowly began to love the skin that I'm in. If you read the book, you'll know why. Then I saw Lauryn Hill singing Killing Me Softly. For the first time, I saw a dark skinned woman that I thought I could relate to physically. Not looks-wise because I definitely don't look anything like her but just of how proud she was of her and her skin. That was the positive. The negative of that was it took for me to look at a celebrity to really appreciate my mother. I look just like my mother and during all that time that I was hating me and how I looked, I was in part hating her as well because she gave me these looks. She gave me this skin. After I truly woke up, I then began to look at all of our shades and tones and was proud of what I am and who I am. Today, I can honestly say that I love the fact that I may look like Whoopi Goldberg. I think she is an incredible person on so many levels and would not want to change myself. Now my weight (insert sigh). 

 So that is my history as a black woman so far. What has your history shown you?

Chris Brown and Rihanna -Duet?

The other day, Russ Parr and his morning crew opened up the discussion about the duet between Rihanna and Chris Brown. They played a snippet of the remix Cake and first thing I thought was wow. I took out their personal past and just listened to the lyrics. Wow! It's definitely a club song and might be the theme music that women will play on their birthday.Then the crew started talking about it; saying things like she's obviously forgiven him so the public should as well. They're grown so they're going to do what they want to do. It's battered women syndrome. She's crazy. She doesn't know what she's doing. Chris Brown is stupid for doing it and etc. At first I thought she is like every other woman that has been in an abusive relationship. She misses Chris, a lot of time has passed, she's forgiven him, she's trying to move on. Then I stopped myself because for one, these songs doesn't particularly mean that they're back together. People always say that when two artists of the opposite sex does a track or a movie together. I honestly didn't believe Beyonce was with Jay Z for the longest time. I needed to hear it from her because the public always wants to pair people up. Not everybody ends up like Beyonce/Jay or Angelina/Brad. That could only leave a very plausible reason: MONEY! Who would have thought that Chris Brown and Rihanna would do a song together after all that has happened? Rihanna could have easily gotten Trey Songz to do this song. He's all about sex. Hell she could have gotten Miguel. Or she could taken the singing part and just had a somebody do a rap on it-J. Cole, Wale, Tyga or Future (I'm so kidding about the last two. They both get on my nerves!) Just seeing them both perform (seperately) at the Grammy's was a little shocking to me. Obviously the restraining order has been lifted. I wasn't paying too much attention after all was said and done. So now we have these songs that they are both on and it has everyone talking about it, including me.What everyone (including me) is waiting on is the music video and the two of them performing the song on the same stage. The public wants to see how they'll interact with each other; their body language. Cake is a very hot sexually driven song. Chris even says Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body. I bet he has. So we'll see what the future holds. I know that this is a business and both Rihanna and Chris Brown are career driven. They are both smart and should have expected all of this. If they are back together, I'm going to tell them what I would tell friends of mine. Be careful.

Women be thinking

I just read an article about the over thinking and stressing and why women do this. I can honestly say I am a queen at this. I over think everything all the time. The mental ticker tape is constantly moving. (If you want to read the article, it’s at http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/make-every-day-great/article.aspx?cp-documentid=31788265).  I’ve always been like that. I constantly think about bills, money, what to do when I get home, next week and planning for the months ahead. I’m always thinking about my husband, my family, work, life in general and it’s always more than I need to. The article made some good points that over thinking saps one’s confidence and not necessarily feeling a sense of control. I feel that when I go from 1 to 100 in my thought process. If either one of us is really quiet (usually me), my husband and I will ask the other “What cha thinking?”

We just want to make sure we keep communication open. It’s a little hard for me because I don’t really like talking out loud about myself. Honest, I don’t. My response to the question is usually “…a million and one things…” His response to that is tell me the first 10. Typically I can break it down; I need to get a money order for the electric bill, I can’t remember if I left the curling irons on, I need to call Mom when I get off, I hope Dad is doing okay, what are we going to have for dinner, I’m tired but need to put away laundry and do the rest of the dishes (just FYI-these are all the thoughts I just had). Why do I do that!!! It never stops either. If I’m really focused on something, the thoughts will slowly creep in from behind and just float on top of my brain until I’m done with my task. Even when I’m enjoying something, mind is still going. Going to bed is the worse. I could be laying there and it’s no holds barred. I don’t even try to think about all of this. I hate it. I saw a comedy show with Wanda Sykes and she was talking about this exact thing. Women go to bed and think about everything in the world. Then they’ll look at the clock, realize how late it is and think to themselves why can’t I go to sleep? I couldn’t stop laughing at that because damn-that’s me! My brain would be going crazy and then I’ll see that it’s 4:14 am and I have to get up about an hour and would have the audacity to ask myself why can’t I go to sleep. It’s insane. It’s been since I was a kid and as an adult, it really REALLY sucks! I’ve tried all I could; sleep aid, tea to make me sleep, no caffeine two hours before I go to bed, no TV, eye mask to block out any light. I even tried visualizing a midget kicking my thoughts out of my brain. Please forgive me because I have no idea why I choose midgets to beat the crap out of my worrying thoughts but some times it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t know. I’m weird. But to hear Wanda Sykes talk about women over thinking made me realize I’m not the only one that feels this way. The article really opened my eyes and one of my goals this year is to work on that. I need to quit over thinking everything. If there was ever a contest on who can over think the most, if I didn’t come in first, I would be a very close second.