Social Media & TTC

Social media has definitely helped me through this TTC journey that we're on. I can find other women going through the same thing, have been through the same thing or just starting quicker. Although I know that I'm not the only one going through this, it's always a little easier to take in when you get encouragement from other people. It's amazing when I plug in #TTC, #babydust, or #trying to conceive into Pinterest or Instagram, how many women and groups pop up. I've already met some great people on Instagram and TheBump.com. I've gotten a lot of my questions from these women and will always be grateful.

When we first started, I was on a high and low search for black women who are dealing with issues of trying to conceive. It's not a topic that we generally hear within our community. Unfortunately it's the opposite but I know that there are more of us that are praying for children but maybe not able or running into issues. In fact it used to be the running joke between me and some friends of mine. I was the same age or a little older than the group, yet the only one that didn't have children. I would always get the reaction of "Why not?" like I was crazy or something. Little did they know. But to get back on track ---I'm still looking for said group but I have realized that we're all women and anyone that is going through this needs just as much encouragement as I do. So ladies you are not alone. It's definitely a struggle but there is hope out there. #HappyTTC

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC

"I'd make the perfect wife"

Melanie Fiona has a song out now that called 4am. I'm digging the song because I've been there many of times waiting up for my man 2, 3 and 4 in the morning. Whenever I hear it though, there is one line that always catches my eye.

I don't deserve this life. I'd make the perfect wife

Every time I hear it, it always gets me thinking: What makes a woman the perfect wife? What would constitute as that? Does she think she'd be a perfect wife because she's (creating a back story here) been with this guy for some amount of years, loves him no matter what, trusts and honors him, would do anything for him including waiting up yet again for him to come home? As far as I know, there isn't an updated guide to being a good wife. I could only find one and that was from the 1950s. I looked for it. Trust and believe I'm not a 1950s wife. Not saying I couldn't be. I'm sure that I could quit my job, clean the house all day, make sure that full meals are ready no matter when he gets home, greet my husband with a beer or some night cap, don't speak, knit a sweater and make sure that his needs are taken care and disregard my own and give him the best damn sex he ever had no matter how I'm feeling. I could but it's just not me and that's not what my husband asked for. If so, he would have found someone else. Another blog.  

So again, what is the perfect wife? She's a great cook, makes sure the house is immaculate, keeps her look flawless, a good listener, doesn't gossip, balances her emotions, lady in street but a freak in bed? I asked myself this question over and over when we got engaged. I never doubted how I would be as a mother but a wife---a whole different story for me. What is expected and what if I can't do it? The word wife has so much with it that it almost frightened me. My parents, my role models, are wonderful parents but not so much as husband and wife. Then you look at wives we see in public like TV and movies. Who seemed to be the perfect wife? Clair Huxtable of course. She was a career mom. She was funny and intelligent and she kept the home together and she and Cliff still got down in the bedroom. Perfect. I think every mother wanted to be her and every man wanted to marry her. Truth though is that the character is fictional. Possible but fictional. Plus I think for any wife to be perfect, her husband/spouse would need to match them. The Huxtables as a unit worked. They were there for each other. They listened to each other and helped the other. She wasn't a perfect wife. She was perfect for him ...in TV land. So now here we are in reality and women are getting married every day. When you say "I do'', know that you cannot be the perfect wife. Don't strive for it because you will hurt yourself trying. I learned that after about six months. I was trying to work 8 to 10 hours, come home, cook dinner and clean the kitchen along with handling the money. He didn't ask for that. I told him that what I would do before we got married so for about six months, that's what I did. I then got to a point where I was stressing because I felt like I was doing things by myself. He asked to help but I wanted to be the perfect wife and do it all. I asked for it so why complain.  I had to tell myself that I couldn't. So now I still do cook meals and clean but we do it together. I still handle the money but we do it together.What do you think constitutes as the perfect wife?

Say what?

Someone asked me the other day about our almost first year of marriage. I replied that it’s been great. We’ve had some obstacles but still very happy and closer now than we were before we got engaged. They looked at me as if I was crazy and then asked me how. She would say the first year is always the worse. We heard that a lot just before the wedding. We had to know ahead of time that the first year is always the hardest and don’t go to bed angry. We’ve had obstacles and we’re communicating more (every day as much as we can) in regards to money but for the most part, it’s been great. When she asked how, the only thing I could think of is that we actually miss each other. During these almost 11 months, he and I have been working a lot of hours. It’s either been long days or late nights. Our schedules were always jumping around so much that when we did have time together, we made every minute count. I know that most newly weds, not all, are up under each other all the time and then get tired of each other. He and I have already gone through that. We used to work together and it did get to be too much at some points. Now, though, every moment counts when we can have dinner together or watch a Law & Order SVU episode or just chill. If we can go out to dinner or a movie, that’s a true bonus for us. Plus, it allows us to have our own time as well. I can come home and write or take care of the house. He can relax or visit family when I’m working late. So for us, our crazy schedules have allowed us to miss each other and made the almost first year go smoothly.

We're starting after the Superbowl

For my birthday (in December) my husband got me the Wii Personal Trainer game. From the time we got married to December, I would whine and complain about gaining weight and how I need to buy more clothes because of this and that. I always talked about going to the gym but never went. I was turning into that person that I didn't want to be: a sayer and not a doer. I always tell people that actions speak louder than words and yet I wasn't doing that. Husband took action and bought this game. I was too happy. I can work out at home so no need to buy a gym membership (which is what I told him I originally wanted. Planet Fitness was running a $10/monthly membership with no contract). Then he said we can work out together. That statement was the push for me to my mind right and get these started. For those who have purchased or should I say, invested in this "person", hopefully you'll agree with me when I say OMG to the third power. We set up the 9 week program on easy and set it up where we worked out four days and rested three. The trainer talks you and encourages you when it seems like your real body isn't making the animated you move on screen. They do encourage like You can do this or Let's try again. It's all for you. Just imagine though; you yourself is doing the exercise but because the sensor isn't picking up on your movements, the animated you is just standing there. Where you've physically done ten push-ups but the screen only says two, you're ready to fight the chick on the screen. We're going strong for about three weeks and I start getting pains in both of my ankles. I dealt with it for about two weeks with waking up in the middle of the night with pain and having a hard time trying to walk. Finally I went to the doc (which I hate to do for anything) and found out I had tendonitis in both ankles. I was doing so good, people. I was working out and we were drinking water and trying to eat right. It's about two weeks since I've been to the doctor and they've gotten a lot better. I bought some work out shoes so I can get back into it. I got to. It's true about the gaining of ten to 15 once you get married. I cannot reveal my gain but it's time to get rid of it. So in addition to working out and changing our eating habits, we're (he's still doing it with me) going to start our HCG diet. I did it once before the wedding and I lost 7 pounds in a week and a half and that was it. My father and aunt lost bookoo weight so that's what I'm hoping for. We'll see. I know with this diet, I was hungry all the time so expect a lot more of angry blogs probably about food. :)

What will 2012 bring?

I make goals for myself when the New Year's Eve arrives. I always try to work on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I never liked to call them New Year's resolutions. I'm not sure why. Could be just the term. Almost like I'm expected to fail because who ever completes or accomplishes their New Year's resolutions? :) I definitely want to lose weight which I'm currently working on. I'm constantly trying to find motivation to write. I bought Overcoming writer's Block for Dummies and as much as I try the mind exercises, my writing mind doesn't seem to be clicking. I haven't written a piece since May or June. So that's another goal of mine; to at least write a page each week and then move up to a page a day. I want to slow down my over thinking train. It's forever going so I want to slow it down a little bit and try to enjoy life. I mean really enjoy it. Quiet moments, jazz moments, husband and I watching Law & Order, spending time with the family, a sunrise---just enjoy time and life. A light bulb went off after my husband and I went to St. Louis. Before we left, we both said it doesn't matter what we do, it will be all good because it'll spent with each other. Just us. I can remember several moments where I wasn't enjoying time with him because I was worrying about money. Were we going to have enough? Even though I had a money plan set up before we left, we were thrown a small curve ball and the plan just evaporated and I got worried. It took for my husband to say a couple of times "Just chill. Quit worrying." Finally I did and we had a blast but had I just relaxed and laughed it off, I wouldn't have lost those moments. So when we go on our cruise, I will enjoy everything and try my hardest to just relax and NOT WORRY. What else? We'll be moving this year from the current apartment. We're looking at both options in regards to a house -rent or own? Work is going well but I have been thinking about moving up the ladder or at least trying something new within company. Husband just got promoted with his employment so he's going on a new journey. (I'm so proud and excited for him!) This year I just want to get to that point of not worrying. Calming my brain, my sleep, my thoughts-everything. I'm going to make 2012 great! Cheesy, I know but positive thinking, right?

Money that doesn't make cents

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing to share but I'm going to anyway. I'm a control freak when it comes to money. I hate to admit it but throughout my marriage, it's been more and more evident.  When we get money, I want to save or stash it for a rainy day. I'm not an impulsive buyer. When I go to the mall or a store, I get what I need and then leave. No need to be looking around. I brought just enough money for what I was looking for. Why buy small things like Qtips, dishwashing liquid, toilet paper, carpet cleaner, bathroom cleaners, etc. at Walmart when I can get them for a dollar at Dollar Tree? A couple of weeks ago, I bought some laundry detergent called Awesome! I only had a couple of bucks on me and it got the job done. Still cracking up over the name though. :) I have no shame in shopping at Aldi's, Goodwill, and flea markets. If something's on sale, it has to be on sale-sale. I don't need an iphone, ipad, or a Kindle. Don't need a flat screen; the television we have is working just fine. (And no, it doesn't have any dials on it to change the channels. I know what you're thinking!) I'm frugal and definitely have cheap moments. I'm always thinking about bills and what's coming up that needs to be paid so buying something extra (want, not a need) isn't going to happen. Husband...not so much. He's everything opposite. First time I brought up Aldi's (before we got married), he gave me the weirdest look. Now, he's all for it because we save money. But it's all good---our marriage is all about differences and being opposites. Having said that, I took on paying the bills. Looking at the past months, I'm not sure if it was a good idea for me to pay the bills. Yes, I pay them timely and make sure that I budget food, gas and extra needs but when it comes to extra wants, I tend to turn into Linda Blair. It even scares me a little bit. Whenever my husband says I need, it's usually a want and I immediately shake my head and say no. My husband even asked my father, his father in law why am I the way I am. My father (gotta love him!) said she takes after me. Ian didn't really know what to say to that. Hell, what he could say to that? I am trying to control Linda though. I work a lot of over time so a)Linda won't be so stressed and b) so Cassandra can say that she's not just working for bills. I'm trying to grasp that it shouldn't be all work and no play. Got to enjoy what you work for. Husband is helping me that. Let's have fun. The other day I bought two nail polishes $1.97 a piece. Does that count? (Mom said I should have just gotten my nails. Not quite there yet.) Happy marriage!

Commitment

Before he and I got married, one goal he wanted me to have was finish college. I have been to three colleges and didn't finish any of them. It was mainly a financial thing. I should have been all good considering both of my parents were in the military. Not to mention, I'm a black female---I should have been able to get all kinds of financial aid. It wasn't that easy and I probably didn't apply as hard as I should have. Got those loans though. Student loans kept coming but at the same time, it didn't seem like they were coming fast enough. So needless to say, I left school for the last time in 2004. Now fast forward to 2011, been married for seven months and I am on my last loan payment (LAST!), I've decided to go back to school. I thought last month was my last but I owe $80 more dollars. Although I am extremely happy about that, what do I have to show for it? I've paid too much damn money to not have a degree on my wall. I am so proud of my brother. He (with a huge push from our mother) went to school, kept pushing throughout the four years and got his Bachelor's degree. He didn't once say he wanted to give up or stop or just take a break. He kept going and finished. I was such the proud older sister at his graduation. My husband also has his degree. When we have children, I want to have that accomplished to. I want us to say the same thing my parents said to me and my brother--We both have Bachelor's. You two have to have same or better. They said that when we were really young. I have to now. I have to push forward and do this. Like my vow to commit to husband, I need to commit this and see it to the end. Besides, I am one to find ways to keep me busy. School and completing my book for daughters and my children's book series should keep me busy for at least a year. The timeline for children is slowly moving back mainly because we want to do a lot before that comes. So ladies/wives/sisters, keep your self busy. Your marriage is a wonderful thing but make sure you keep yourself busy so you guys can miss each other. Seeing each other again makes things so much sweeter. Muah!

One plus one equals one?

My husband and I will be reaching the half mark in a few weeks and it’s weird to say that I’ve been married almost six months. It doesn’t seem like it but it does. We’ve got somewhat of a routine of what groceries to get and how much to spend. Bills are paid on the same day every month. We try to spend time with our families how much as we can and we make time for ourselves. One daily lesson that I’m constantly learning is compromise and sacrifice. It’s no longer about me or what I want or what I need. It’s about us as a unit, a pair as one. That phrase used to confuse me. I use to tell people I’m already one so why do I need to find another to make a pair just to say we’re one. I understand that when we took those vows, I have his back and he has my back. If he decides to rob a bank, I’m driving the get away car. When I’m writing my children’s book and need some inspiration, he will take me to a playground or a library. If I want broccoli and he wants cheese potatoes, we’ll have cheesy broccoli. We take care of each other as husband and wife and try to make sure the other is happy. If he’s not happy, then I’m not and vice versa. I now understand that phrase and make it a goal every day to give 100% to him.

*For any law enforcement reading this blog, he and I do not plan to rob a bank, woman of her purse, man of his bike, squirrel of his or her nuts, etc. That was merely an example that I say to my husband all the time when talking about our love as one. :)

Babies and babies and no, I'm not pregnant

I think the first question my husband and I were asked after we got married was when the babies are coming. Some people waited a few weeks before asking. A lot asked me personally a week or two before the wedding (mainly my family). I guess marriage and children go hand and hand. You get married and then you have children. The timeline definitely varies---it just depends on the couple. Before we got married, I wanted to have kids right away and Ian wanted to wait. He stated that we should at least wait a year so we can have time for us. The first year is going to be all about discovery and growth about each other individually and as a married couple. I understood what he was saying and agreed. We should wait a year and we are. After we got married, I understood it more and more. The first couple of months, he and I were trying to figure out time for each other plus working different shifts, spending time with family and finding time to sleep. Trying to figure out a child in the middle of that would have been crazy. Ironically though, I’ve had babies on the brain. I see pregnant women everywhere. I work with mainly women (except for one) and they talk to me about kids all the time. My husband even catches ‘baby fever’ whenever we’re out and pass the baby section whether toys or clothes. So while we’re enjoying us as a married couple, we’re talking baby this and that.

Then, one of the biggest artists in the world, Beyonce announces her pregnancy on the MTV awards. I was on Twitter watching the show and people starting posting the infamous picture of her in the orange gown holding her baby bump. I didn’t believe it. I thought well, she’s just posing in a very weird way. I changed the channel to watch L&O SVU. I turned back just before her performance. She’s done with the performance, smiles at the camera, drops the mic, unbuttons her jacket, turns to the site and rubs her belly. My husband was sleeping but I kept saying “Oh my god, she’s pregnant!” Then they showed her husband who looked so proud and happy. All of a sudden, any thoughts about pregnancy that I had were now tripling in size. It literally became an obsession for me to read up on pregnancy—not so much babies. First it was Beyonce, and then it was Tia Mowery Hardict from her reality show. Co-workers and friends are pregnant. Eventually I had to tell my husband that before I go insane thinking about children all the time, maybe we shouldn’t talk about kids as much. I just want to focus on my new venture of writing a children’s book and our marriage. Of course though, since I’ve never written a children’s book, I’m in my researching phase. What better to research what children like and not like, what they read and don’t read than to speak to children? Smh.