Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

Social Media & TTC

Social media has definitely helped me through this TTC journey that we're on. I can find other women going through the same thing, have been through the same thing or just starting quicker. Although I know that I'm not the only one going through this, it's always a little easier to take in when you get encouragement from other people. It's amazing when I plug in #TTC, #babydust, or #trying to conceive into Pinterest or Instagram, how many women and groups pop up. I've already met some great people on Instagram and TheBump.com. I've gotten a lot of my questions from these women and will always be grateful.

When we first started, I was on a high and low search for black women who are dealing with issues of trying to conceive. It's not a topic that we generally hear within our community. Unfortunately it's the opposite but I know that there are more of us that are praying for children but maybe not able or running into issues. In fact it used to be the running joke between me and some friends of mine. I was the same age or a little older than the group, yet the only one that didn't have children. I would always get the reaction of "Why not?" like I was crazy or something. Little did they know. But to get back on track ---I'm still looking for said group but I have realized that we're all women and anyone that is going through this needs just as much encouragement as I do. So ladies you are not alone. It's definitely a struggle but there is hope out there. #HappyTTC

R.I.P. Paul Walker and Roger Rodas

 

I can honestly say that I have seen two of the Fast and Furious movies. I saw the fifth one and the one where it was set in Tokyo. (I wasn't that big of a fan of the series.) I did also see Takers. Although I'm not a diehard fan of Paul Walker, I was very saddened when hearing about his death. From the roles that I've seen him played, he was a great actor, great looking but more importantly a great person. He had a family and a daughter, he was kind hearted and seemingly a really great guy. I send prayers to Paul Walker and Roger Rodas' families. I couldn't imagine what they are feeling and going through. This will always remind us that every day must be cherished and not taken for granted. You never know when it can be taken away from you. 

R.I.P. Paul Walker 
R.I.P. Roger Rodas

A Writer's Struggle

It's been about 2 1/2 years since I published my last novel and 3 1/2 years since I've written it. I mainly couldn't focus on writing while trying to plan the wedding and being married. I'm getting back into it now and working on my fourth novel. It took me a minute to get back into writing. I was climbing the hill of writer's block. I will admit though that the writer's block was self inflicted. Four couple of months, I was trying to write on my own like usual. The past three books just came into and the words would just fly off the page. The characters wouldn't leave me alone. I literally was hearing the voices. A true writer indeed. When story lines weren't panning out or when I wasn't hearing anything, I started to doubt myself quite a bit. Am I truly a writer or just crazy enough to write the others? How can I be writer and not write? None of what I was writing made sense. I was trying too hard. While I'm going through this, I'm on my FB timeline and see all of these new novels come out and although I was happy for my fellow writers, I couldn't help and think that I needed to write along the same lines as they. Dive into the same topics and characters -i.e. hood novels. Street life, thug life, etc. is very popular among readers, particularly black readers and I thought to myself maybe I should write about that. I even remember when promoting Karma Has a Name and a reader told me that although she thinks my book will be good, she will only read hood novels. When I asked her why, she said that's what she related to and it made sense. (She still bought a book though -not sure if she read it.) I then tried to write what I thought would be like these books and that's when the writer's block really came in. Anyone who knows me know that I know nothing about street life or 'hood' life. The closest thing I could say was me dating a guy that was all about that life. He grew up in it, lived it day and night, and basically associated any and everything about him to that. I learned a lot during that relationship. Outside of that, as hard as I could to write about that life, it came out fake and rough because not only was I trying too hard but it came off as that. I had to quickly stop that. I was trying to be something I'm not and as a writer, that's when I'm the most real about myself. I had to ask myself why would I write that -for money or more readers? Readers aren't stupid. They'll know if something is genuine or not. So I let that go. 

Once I did that, I started writing. This novel I'm writing now will touch home more than any of my other novels. The first three dealt with topics or dramas of people I knew or I would display traits in my characters that I wished I had (i.e. being a bad girl). It was fun meeting and living with those characters. This novel will hit personal issues that I'm going through. It will be fictional but it'll expand on feelings that I've been having and battles that I'm fighting but with a plot twist of course :) I love writing because not only is it therapy for me but when it's done, I'll be able to say I'm a writer again instead I used to be a writing.So it's coming. I'm going through a writer's struggle but it's coming along. :)

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC