Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

What's wrong with you?!

My people -if you know anyone that is trying to have a child and running into infertility, pleee--aase do not ask what's wrong with you?! Please don't say that they can have one of yours because they get on your nerves. Please don't say that you must not be having sex right because you have four kids already. If you think that you're being the good friend, I can reassure and tell you that you're not. The couple, particularly the woman is going through enough without that great friend telling her just how wrong she's doing everything. Fortunately I've only had one person say something close to this. I was telling this person that we may have to look to other avenues on having a baby and they said "Why aren't you just having sex? Isn't that the normal way?" The normal way -that stung a little bit. I defensively took that as saying I'm not normal. My body and what it's not doing is not normal like I'm some freakishly deformed thing (not a woman) who should be in a zoo somewhere displayed as the broken female alien that I am. I will admit that I went to the far end of my imagination with this but for that moment, I felt like that. I don't understand a lot of things about this but I wonder why it doesn't register that the woman has asked all of these questions to herself and her spouse. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? What is wrong with us? Does God hate me? Am I so crazy and deranged that I shouldn't reproduce? Why can't I have what I've been wanting for so long? What is wrong with me? 

So...just a little advice for those who are friends with, sisters with, brothers with, mothers and fathers with someone who has or is trying to have a child, it's truly a roller coaster -lots of up and down emotions and sometimes asking, "What's wrong with you?" just might make the drop even harder. #venting

Kanye has fallen off the cliff....literally tripped.

First off -Kanye West is a musical genius. I have had moments where I questioned his direction with some particular songs. I thought he whined a lot when he didn't get the awards he wanted. I have questioned his lyrics but rolled with him. He and Mos Def are the only two artists that made me tear up with hip hop. (I've cried with Luther Vandross, Alexander O'Neil, etc.) When I heard Runaway for the first time and every time after, a tear would escape my eye. So I do believe he does great music as a whole and he appeals to everyone across the board whether they want to admit or not. Now....having said this, I think that Kanye has tripped, fallen off the cliff and mad that the cliff isn't higher than it should be. I first thought this when he went on stage interrupting Taylor Swift. Then he got with Kim Kardashian but he said she was his crush. Ok. Then I thought he was crazy when he got her pregnant. I really don't care for her at all just because of what she represents and who she tries to be. I thought he was sniffing glue when he thought she should have a star on the walk of fame. I thought he drank the glue in one gulp when he compared Kim to our First Lady. The First Lady Michelle Obama -are you kidding Kanye? The video with him and Kim on the bike pretty much grossed me out and I thought I was watching a porno but I digress.

*Insert inhale 

Now this interview that he did with radio personality Sway is a little crazy. I understand that he's telling Sway that he's not on his level so who is he to be giving him advice. I get that. However....why is Kanye so extra mad? Yes be mad about the $13 million lost but shouldn't he be a little less mad now that he has a daughter? Shouldn't he be a little bit calmer now that she's alive and well and healthy? Not quite understanding Kanye. Why haven't you guys chilled out since then? Be parents. Glamorous and famous and wonderful, yes, but be parents and relax. Okay. That's my two cents.

The Best Man Holiday is the best movie in 2013

I have not seen a lot of movies in the theaters at all. I typically wait until it's in the RedBox. I finally saw 42 a couple of weeks ago and loved it. That movie was done so well and I tip my hat Chadwick Boseman and Alan Tudyk for all the movie but for one particular scene that I cringe just thinking about. If you've seen 42, you'll know that scene I'm talking about. I however will have to say that my new favorite movie is The Best Man Holiday. It's by far the best movie I've seen in a long time. First of all, I think I was like a lot of other people who thought why is there a sequel after almost 13 years. I was a senior in high school when the first one came out. I loved it. As I was hearing more about it, I said that I would check it out because the whole cast is so great at their craft but we don't see them on the screen as much as I think we should.That's another blog.

 

So flash forward to last weekend --the movie premiered and I'm seeing nothing but great reviews. In fact the majority of the reviews were "I laughed and cried!" For anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to cry. I hate crying and I'm definitely not going to cry in public. I mean I don't even like crying in front of my husband. So smart me -I thought why not go to the movies with my father or brother. They certainly aren't going to cry which will then deter me from crying. So Dad and I go and the first half of the movie was hilarious, had some corny moments like most romantic comedies do but the second half -*insert sigh. At first, I was doing good. I could hear other people around sniffling. I could hear tissue boxes opening in preparation for what was coming. But I was good. I kept it together. That lasted for about a good ten minutes. After that, the tears would not stop crying. I cried during the movie. I cried leaving the movie while talking to my Dad about me crying AND I cried on the way home. Like.a.baby. I will not reveal anything because you really need to see this movie. 

I will say that this movie touched so many things in my everyday life that I probably needed that cry. They hit black men and women with issues of infertility to writer's block to pride to faith and holding onto it. Overall -it was a beautiful movie and when I see it again, I will definitely bring my own tissues!

A Writer's Struggle

It's been about 2 1/2 years since I published my last novel and 3 1/2 years since I've written it. I mainly couldn't focus on writing while trying to plan the wedding and being married. I'm getting back into it now and working on my fourth novel. It took me a minute to get back into writing. I was climbing the hill of writer's block. I will admit though that the writer's block was self inflicted. Four couple of months, I was trying to write on my own like usual. The past three books just came into and the words would just fly off the page. The characters wouldn't leave me alone. I literally was hearing the voices. A true writer indeed. When story lines weren't panning out or when I wasn't hearing anything, I started to doubt myself quite a bit. Am I truly a writer or just crazy enough to write the others? How can I be writer and not write? None of what I was writing made sense. I was trying too hard. While I'm going through this, I'm on my FB timeline and see all of these new novels come out and although I was happy for my fellow writers, I couldn't help and think that I needed to write along the same lines as they. Dive into the same topics and characters -i.e. hood novels. Street life, thug life, etc. is very popular among readers, particularly black readers and I thought to myself maybe I should write about that. I even remember when promoting Karma Has a Name and a reader told me that although she thinks my book will be good, she will only read hood novels. When I asked her why, she said that's what she related to and it made sense. (She still bought a book though -not sure if she read it.) I then tried to write what I thought would be like these books and that's when the writer's block really came in. Anyone who knows me know that I know nothing about street life or 'hood' life. The closest thing I could say was me dating a guy that was all about that life. He grew up in it, lived it day and night, and basically associated any and everything about him to that. I learned a lot during that relationship. Outside of that, as hard as I could to write about that life, it came out fake and rough because not only was I trying too hard but it came off as that. I had to quickly stop that. I was trying to be something I'm not and as a writer, that's when I'm the most real about myself. I had to ask myself why would I write that -for money or more readers? Readers aren't stupid. They'll know if something is genuine or not. So I let that go. 

Once I did that, I started writing. This novel I'm writing now will touch home more than any of my other novels. The first three dealt with topics or dramas of people I knew or I would display traits in my characters that I wished I had (i.e. being a bad girl). It was fun meeting and living with those characters. This novel will hit personal issues that I'm going through. It will be fictional but it'll expand on feelings that I've been having and battles that I'm fighting but with a plot twist of course :) I love writing because not only is it therapy for me but when it's done, I'll be able to say I'm a writer again instead I used to be a writing.So it's coming. I'm going through a writer's struggle but it's coming along. :)

One teeny tiny down side....

I can only find one teeny tiny down side to my locs but it's the same for when I get braids --the itchy itchy. I'm not at the stage where I can wash yet so I just spray it with SeaBreeze like he told me to do. This whole thing is definitely a process though and I am ready for the long haul. Now...if I could just figure out a way to have to less itchy and scratchy, I'd be alright. Until next time...#locnation!

Never judge a book by its cover part 2

I have many talents but one that I can honestly say that I do well is keeping my life at home or hidden. I can smile, laugh, drink, be professional, keep a conversation, drive, speak and work all day long. I'll then come home and tear everything I did apart. Doubts and fears would kick in hard and I would question everything I did. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? When someone would call, all of that was pushed away and I was good. Friends of mine would ask me things like why is everything perfect in your life or I wish I had your life. I would tell them that it's certainly not perfect, I just don't talk about it. When I turned 30 (even a little before), I learned that I had to a)let things go and talk about them and b) know to never judge a book by its cover. Never think that someone is happy when they may not be. Never think that someone's life is so much better. Never think that the outside appearance, whether good or bad, is just that.