Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

R.I.P. Paul Walker and Roger Rodas

 

I can honestly say that I have seen two of the Fast and Furious movies. I saw the fifth one and the one where it was set in Tokyo. (I wasn't that big of a fan of the series.) I did also see Takers. Although I'm not a diehard fan of Paul Walker, I was very saddened when hearing about his death. From the roles that I've seen him played, he was a great actor, great looking but more importantly a great person. He had a family and a daughter, he was kind hearted and seemingly a really great guy. I send prayers to Paul Walker and Roger Rodas' families. I couldn't imagine what they are feeling and going through. This will always remind us that every day must be cherished and not taken for granted. You never know when it can be taken away from you. 

R.I.P. Paul Walker 
R.I.P. Roger Rodas

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC

Accepting the Blessings

Hey fam. I know it's been a minute and life has been truly filled with blessings and new journeys. Hubby and I are now homeowners (yay and I promise so many blogs about being a homeowner!). Ian started a new job, I had a surgery last month that is leading to other things (more blogs) and I've finally started my loc journey. Life, my life, our life is doing great right now. I am truly feeling and accepting all blessings that have come our way. Everything has been a journey. The path to getting a home is literally exhausting and tiring and stressful but to reach that end result is priceless! I'm very happy right now.

"I'd make the perfect wife"

Melanie Fiona has a song out now that called 4am. I'm digging the song because I've been there many of times waiting up for my man 2, 3 and 4 in the morning. Whenever I hear it though, there is one line that always catches my eye.

I don't deserve this life. I'd make the perfect wife

Every time I hear it, it always gets me thinking: What makes a woman the perfect wife? What would constitute as that? Does she think she'd be a perfect wife because she's (creating a back story here) been with this guy for some amount of years, loves him no matter what, trusts and honors him, would do anything for him including waiting up yet again for him to come home? As far as I know, there isn't an updated guide to being a good wife. I could only find one and that was from the 1950s. I looked for it. Trust and believe I'm not a 1950s wife. Not saying I couldn't be. I'm sure that I could quit my job, clean the house all day, make sure that full meals are ready no matter when he gets home, greet my husband with a beer or some night cap, don't speak, knit a sweater and make sure that his needs are taken care and disregard my own and give him the best damn sex he ever had no matter how I'm feeling. I could but it's just not me and that's not what my husband asked for. If so, he would have found someone else. Another blog.  

So again, what is the perfect wife? She's a great cook, makes sure the house is immaculate, keeps her look flawless, a good listener, doesn't gossip, balances her emotions, lady in street but a freak in bed? I asked myself this question over and over when we got engaged. I never doubted how I would be as a mother but a wife---a whole different story for me. What is expected and what if I can't do it? The word wife has so much with it that it almost frightened me. My parents, my role models, are wonderful parents but not so much as husband and wife. Then you look at wives we see in public like TV and movies. Who seemed to be the perfect wife? Clair Huxtable of course. She was a career mom. She was funny and intelligent and she kept the home together and she and Cliff still got down in the bedroom. Perfect. I think every mother wanted to be her and every man wanted to marry her. Truth though is that the character is fictional. Possible but fictional. Plus I think for any wife to be perfect, her husband/spouse would need to match them. The Huxtables as a unit worked. They were there for each other. They listened to each other and helped the other. She wasn't a perfect wife. She was perfect for him ...in TV land. So now here we are in reality and women are getting married every day. When you say "I do'', know that you cannot be the perfect wife. Don't strive for it because you will hurt yourself trying. I learned that after about six months. I was trying to work 8 to 10 hours, come home, cook dinner and clean the kitchen along with handling the money. He didn't ask for that. I told him that what I would do before we got married so for about six months, that's what I did. I then got to a point where I was stressing because I felt like I was doing things by myself. He asked to help but I wanted to be the perfect wife and do it all. I asked for it so why complain.  I had to tell myself that I couldn't. So now I still do cook meals and clean but we do it together. I still handle the money but we do it together.What do you think constitutes as the perfect wife?

R.I.P. to our greats

I was hurt when I found out about Etta James. I've always ranked her with Billie Holiday and Sarah Vaughn for me. She was different all the way. I loved At Last -a timeless song that will forever be a love song but my all time favorite is Sunday Kind of Love. Women today should listen to that and ask for the same thing. If a man really wants you and not what's in between your legs, he'll be there the next day and the day after that but that's another blog. Etta James was such a powerhouse.

Today I come into work in a good mood because Russ Parr was playing First of Da Month by Bone Thugs-one of my favorite songs and got a text that made my heart stop for a minute. Don Cornelius, 75, died -committed suicide from a self inflicted gun shot wound to the HEAD? WTH? I was on the phone and gasped. I couldn't believe it. Not only is he dead but it's possibly by his own hand? My mind is literally blown and heart is hurting right now. This is Don Cornelius -the creator of Soul Train, the man who brought the latest dance moves, fashion, and black pride to households. You could make sure your Afro was on point, see your favorite artist and pick out who your favorite dancer was. Now, I'm 29. Soul Train was created 11 years before I was born but I love watching episodes with Gladys Knight and the Pips, The Ojays, Rick James and Teena Marie. I insisted on having a Soul Train  line at my wedding. I think that's a given at any wedding, right? It's really hard to believe that he committed suicide but you never know what was going on.  I really couldn't believe when I heard about Heavy D. He was so full of life with a positive attitude. We are losing so many of our greats. I was trying to think who would be considered a great/legend from my generation. I love Gladys, Chaka, Tina Turner, Patti Labelle, Anita Baker but they are before me. I'm thinking Janet Jackson, Mariah Carey and Beyonce. I'm not sure about male singers. Before my generation, we had Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, The Isleys, Luther Vandross, Jackie Wilson, The Temptations. We've already lost my all time favorite-Michael Jackson. (Thanksgiving of last year was the first time I saw This is It.) I can't think of any one from my generation that would be considered a legend like that. When I was growing up, we still had a lot of groups (Boys II Men, New Edition, Jodeci, etc.) but I can't really think of any legends. We don't have any Don Cornelius' or any Sam Cookes. Maybe my generation Sam Cookes are hip hop artists like Doug E Fresh, LL Cool J, Queen Latifah?

Women be thinking

I just read an article about the over thinking and stressing and why women do this. I can honestly say I am a queen at this. I over think everything all the time. The mental ticker tape is constantly moving. (If you want to read the article, it’s at http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/make-every-day-great/article.aspx?cp-documentid=31788265).  I’ve always been like that. I constantly think about bills, money, what to do when I get home, next week and planning for the months ahead. I’m always thinking about my husband, my family, work, life in general and it’s always more than I need to. The article made some good points that over thinking saps one’s confidence and not necessarily feeling a sense of control. I feel that when I go from 1 to 100 in my thought process. If either one of us is really quiet (usually me), my husband and I will ask the other “What cha thinking?”

We just want to make sure we keep communication open. It’s a little hard for me because I don’t really like talking out loud about myself. Honest, I don’t. My response to the question is usually “…a million and one things…” His response to that is tell me the first 10. Typically I can break it down; I need to get a money order for the electric bill, I can’t remember if I left the curling irons on, I need to call Mom when I get off, I hope Dad is doing okay, what are we going to have for dinner, I’m tired but need to put away laundry and do the rest of the dishes (just FYI-these are all the thoughts I just had). Why do I do that!!! It never stops either. If I’m really focused on something, the thoughts will slowly creep in from behind and just float on top of my brain until I’m done with my task. Even when I’m enjoying something, mind is still going. Going to bed is the worse. I could be laying there and it’s no holds barred. I don’t even try to think about all of this. I hate it. I saw a comedy show with Wanda Sykes and she was talking about this exact thing. Women go to bed and think about everything in the world. Then they’ll look at the clock, realize how late it is and think to themselves why can’t I go to sleep? I couldn’t stop laughing at that because damn-that’s me! My brain would be going crazy and then I’ll see that it’s 4:14 am and I have to get up about an hour and would have the audacity to ask myself why can’t I go to sleep. It’s insane. It’s been since I was a kid and as an adult, it really REALLY sucks! I’ve tried all I could; sleep aid, tea to make me sleep, no caffeine two hours before I go to bed, no TV, eye mask to block out any light. I even tried visualizing a midget kicking my thoughts out of my brain. Please forgive me because I have no idea why I choose midgets to beat the crap out of my worrying thoughts but some times it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t know. I’m weird. But to hear Wanda Sykes talk about women over thinking made me realize I’m not the only one that feels this way. The article really opened my eyes and one of my goals this year is to work on that. I need to quit over thinking everything. If there was ever a contest on who can over think the most, if I didn’t come in first, I would be a very close second.