Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

Enlightening weekend!

You ever have a moment or a weekend where you've gained insight? You've gained a new perspective, a new outlook, something that just enlightens your mind and being. This past weekend was just that for me. It was like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday or like going to church but not going to church. I was being taught about essentially the same concept but through different avenues. First, I went to have a tarot reading for the first time. I've always been open-minded with learning something new, particularly with spirituality. I believe that anything spiritual is a forever learning journey. It's never ending with infinite ideas and thoughts if you're open-minded and willing to listen. It doesn't hurt to try something new. So with the encouragement of a friend of mine, I went. Anytime she did, she always felt better about her situations so I thought why not? I won't get into what all she said but it definitely showed me that I'm on the right path with my thoughts and emotions. I've been working on daily affirmations and mantras and turning it into a habit by choice. I've been reading a lot of Abraham Hicks and The Secret. It's so funny how through life, there are so many times that we can make a situation a positive one as opposed to a negative. Instead of me saying that 'it's Monday and I hate Mondays', I'm now saying 'I'm grateful I have even have a job to go to on Mondays'. Positivity thinking really does go a long way. The first card I pulled at the reading was 'Ask for what you want. Clarity is everything.' I can honestly attest to this. Without a doubt, when you ask for whatever you want, ask for the specifics and be very clear. I'll blog about these situations. It's the truth though. 

Secondly, I finally got to watch 'The Secret'. I watched it last night and was so blown away by the message that it literally took over my whole mindset. My thoughts going to be bed was different. My thoughts getting up this morning were different -positive. The whole idea of law of attraction is so profound and specific. I love that I have finally opened myself up to not only think more positive but to feel more positive. I look at every situation now with a positive attitude. My TTC journey, learning forgiveness and letting go, self love, my life and actions as a writer -everything will be affected by this and for the better. I'm so excited for everything I desired that is here already. I AM - It's a beautiful thing.

TTC Vent & Hope

So after 34 days of being late, I finally got my cycle. I think the worse part of trying to conceive, aside from the negative tests, the sometimes stupid comments people make about infertility, the days that seem to be worse than others, is waiting. My patience is literally tested everyday. I used to think that I was a very patient person. All things come when it's supposed to. All things come in their own time. Everything happens for a reason. I clearly did not think that I would be going through this where patience and hope are the two things needed to survive. Waiting is so frustrating because you do not know what's going on. You don't have any clue as to what to do. We took two tests and both came out negative. Finally my doctor put me on Provera to kick start my cycle. At first, I thought that was a little backwards. Why would I want my cycle? But...upon doctor's orders, I picked up the prescription and it worked. (Sarcastic) Yay!

Then next day, I had to look at the bright side of it. I told my husband this means we can start another cycle of Clomid, it can then work and we can move forward to good news. The moral of this story ladies is that there is always a good thing even if it's hiding behind a bad thing. #Happy TTC

Social Media & TTC

Social media has definitely helped me through this TTC journey that we're on. I can find other women going through the same thing, have been through the same thing or just starting quicker. Although I know that I'm not the only one going through this, it's always a little easier to take in when you get encouragement from other people. It's amazing when I plug in #TTC, #babydust, or #trying to conceive into Pinterest or Instagram, how many women and groups pop up. I've already met some great people on Instagram and TheBump.com. I've gotten a lot of my questions from these women and will always be grateful.

When we first started, I was on a high and low search for black women who are dealing with issues of trying to conceive. It's not a topic that we generally hear within our community. Unfortunately it's the opposite but I know that there are more of us that are praying for children but maybe not able or running into issues. In fact it used to be the running joke between me and some friends of mine. I was the same age or a little older than the group, yet the only one that didn't have children. I would always get the reaction of "Why not?" like I was crazy or something. Little did they know. But to get back on track ---I'm still looking for said group but I have realized that we're all women and anyone that is going through this needs just as much encouragement as I do. So ladies you are not alone. It's definitely a struggle but there is hope out there. #HappyTTC

What's wrong with you?!

My people -if you know anyone that is trying to have a child and running into infertility, pleee--aase do not ask what's wrong with you?! Please don't say that they can have one of yours because they get on your nerves. Please don't say that you must not be having sex right because you have four kids already. If you think that you're being the good friend, I can reassure and tell you that you're not. The couple, particularly the woman is going through enough without that great friend telling her just how wrong she's doing everything. Fortunately I've only had one person say something close to this. I was telling this person that we may have to look to other avenues on having a baby and they said "Why aren't you just having sex? Isn't that the normal way?" The normal way -that stung a little bit. I defensively took that as saying I'm not normal. My body and what it's not doing is not normal like I'm some freakishly deformed thing (not a woman) who should be in a zoo somewhere displayed as the broken female alien that I am. I will admit that I went to the far end of my imagination with this but for that moment, I felt like that. I don't understand a lot of things about this but I wonder why it doesn't register that the woman has asked all of these questions to herself and her spouse. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? What is wrong with us? Does God hate me? Am I so crazy and deranged that I shouldn't reproduce? Why can't I have what I've been wanting for so long? What is wrong with me? 

So...just a little advice for those who are friends with, sisters with, brothers with, mothers and fathers with someone who has or is trying to have a child, it's truly a roller coaster -lots of up and down emotions and sometimes asking, "What's wrong with you?" just might make the drop even harder. #venting

The Best Man Holiday is the best movie in 2013

I have not seen a lot of movies in the theaters at all. I typically wait until it's in the RedBox. I finally saw 42 a couple of weeks ago and loved it. That movie was done so well and I tip my hat Chadwick Boseman and Alan Tudyk for all the movie but for one particular scene that I cringe just thinking about. If you've seen 42, you'll know that scene I'm talking about. I however will have to say that my new favorite movie is The Best Man Holiday. It's by far the best movie I've seen in a long time. First of all, I think I was like a lot of other people who thought why is there a sequel after almost 13 years. I was a senior in high school when the first one came out. I loved it. As I was hearing more about it, I said that I would check it out because the whole cast is so great at their craft but we don't see them on the screen as much as I think we should.That's another blog.

 

So flash forward to last weekend --the movie premiered and I'm seeing nothing but great reviews. In fact the majority of the reviews were "I laughed and cried!" For anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to cry. I hate crying and I'm definitely not going to cry in public. I mean I don't even like crying in front of my husband. So smart me -I thought why not go to the movies with my father or brother. They certainly aren't going to cry which will then deter me from crying. So Dad and I go and the first half of the movie was hilarious, had some corny moments like most romantic comedies do but the second half -*insert sigh. At first, I was doing good. I could hear other people around sniffling. I could hear tissue boxes opening in preparation for what was coming. But I was good. I kept it together. That lasted for about a good ten minutes. After that, the tears would not stop crying. I cried during the movie. I cried leaving the movie while talking to my Dad about me crying AND I cried on the way home. Like.a.baby. I will not reveal anything because you really need to see this movie. 

I will say that this movie touched so many things in my everyday life that I probably needed that cry. They hit black men and women with issues of infertility to writer's block to pride to faith and holding onto it. Overall -it was a beautiful movie and when I see it again, I will definitely bring my own tissues!

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC