So after 34 days of being late, I finally got my cycle. I think the worse part of trying to conceive, aside from the negative tests, the sometimes stupid comments people make about infertility, the days that seem to be worse than others, is waiting. My patience is literally tested everyday. I used to think that I was a very patient person. All things come when it's supposed to. All things come in their own time. Everything happens for a reason. I clearly did not think that I would be going through this where patience and hope are the two things needed to survive. Waiting is so frustrating because you do not know what's going on. You don't have any clue as to what to do. We took two tests and both came out negative. Finally my doctor put me on Provera to kick start my cycle. At first, I thought that was a little backwards. Why would I want my cycle? But...upon doctor's orders, I picked up the prescription and it worked. (Sarcastic) Yay! Then next day, I had to look at the bright side of it. I told my husband this means we can start another cycle of Clomid, it can then work and we can move forward to good news. The moral of this story ladies is that there is always a good thing even if it's hiding behind a bad thing. #Happy TTC
Social media has definitely helped me through this TTC journey that we're on. I can find other women going through the same thing, have been through the same thing or just starting quicker. Although I know that I'm not the only one going through this, it's always a little easier to take in when you get encouragement from other people. It's amazing when I plug in #TTC, #babydust, or #trying to conceive into Pinterest or Instagram, how many women and groups pop up. I've already met some great people on Instagram and TheBump.com. I've gotten a lot of my questions from these women and will always be grateful.
When we first started, I was on a high and low search for black women who are dealing with issues of trying to conceive. It's not a topic that we generally hear within our community. Unfortunately it's the opposite but I know that there are more of us that are praying for children but maybe not able or running into issues. In fact it used to be the running joke between me and some friends of mine. I was the same age or a little older than the group, yet the only one that didn't have children. I would always get the reaction of "Why not?" like I was crazy or something. Little did they know. But to get back on track ---I'm still looking for said group but I have realized that we're all women and anyone that is going through this needs just as much encouragement as I do. So ladies you are not alone. It's definitely a struggle but there is hope out there. #HappyTTC
I had a blog all ready to post about a loss in our history. We definitely loss a great spirit and soul that we will be thanking for years and years to come but was then distracted by how many people did not Nelson Mandela. Just all around not fully knowing the greatness of this man. I then had to think back and remember that I don't think we were taught about Nelson Mandela until maybe sophomore year of high school. After that it was U.S. history and then American Government. It hurt my heart that they were so many kids that not only didn't know who he was or what he did but not even want to find out who he was. Very saddening to me. It's definitely a need to educate outside of the history books and classes. These kids need to know more than scores on a test. Makes you wonder how our educational system is even working.
First off -Kanye West is a musical genius. I have had moments where I questioned his direction with some particular songs. I thought he whined a lot when he didn't get the awards he wanted. I have questioned his lyrics but rolled with him. He and Mos Def are the only two artists that made me tear up with hip hop. (I've cried with Luther Vandross, Alexander O'Neil, etc.) When I heard Runaway for the first time and every time after, a tear would escape my eye. So I do believe he does great music as a whole and he appeals to everyone across the board whether they want to admit or not. Now....having said this, I think that Kanye has tripped, fallen off the cliff and mad that the cliff isn't higher than it should be. I first thought this when he went on stage interrupting Taylor Swift. Then he got with Kim Kardashian but he said she was his crush. Ok. Then I thought he was crazy when he got her pregnant. I really don't care for her at all just because of what she represents and who she tries to be. I thought he was sniffing glue when he thought she should have a star on the walk of fame. I thought he drank the glue in one gulp when he compared Kim to our First Lady. The First Lady Michelle Obama -are you kidding Kanye? The video with him and Kim on the bike pretty much grossed me out and I thought I was watching a porno but I digress. *Insert inhale Now this interview that he did with radio personality Sway is a little crazy. I understand that he's telling Sway that he's not on his level so who is he to be giving him advice. I get that. However....why is Kanye so extra mad? Yes be mad about the $13 million lost but shouldn't he be a little less mad now that he has a daughter? Shouldn't he be a little bit calmer now that she's alive and well and healthy? Not quite understanding Kanye. Why haven't you guys chilled out since then? Be parents. Glamorous and famous and wonderful, yes, but be parents and relax. Okay. That's my two cents.
I am loving my locs. They just fit me. I think my only thing now is figuring out how to keep them moisturizer. They're still babies though. They are budding which is really nice. They're starting to look like locs.
I can only find one teeny tiny down side to my locs but it's the same for when I get braids --the itchy itchy. I'm not at the stage where I can wash yet so I just spray it with SeaBreeze like he told me to do. This whole thing is definitely a process though and I am ready for the long haul. Now...if I could just figure out a way to have to less itchy and scratchy, I'd be alright. Until next time...#locnation!
To hear those was so amazing. We started looking for a house in April but had been wanting one for a while. We did three houses that we ultimately felt like it was the house but we ended up losing the bid. I will admit that losing those three were slightly heartbreaking. The first two had so much character that it literally spoke to me. I saw our future kids and grandkids at those houses. Fortunately we didn't get those house because both needed so much work. The first house was older but it was a 3 bedroom, basement, hardwood floors, fireplace, six car driveway in a very quaint artsy neighborhood where people walked their dogs, every neighbor knew each neighbor and was very comfortable. We would have had to have the total amount of the home in cash to buy it. That should have told me right then but I still fell in love with it.
The second house was just beautiful on the outside. Two story home with four bedrooms, backyard, nice looking neighborhood with so much room for potential. It was in our price range, it just fit us and again, so much potential. The main problem was it needed so much work. The homes were looking at were all foreclosed so (understandably) some of the former residents trashed the houses before moving out. In this house, they pulled up all of the carpeting, the walls were horribly painted and trashed. Most of it was cosmetic but a lot of money. A lot of money we didn't have. I still wanted the home though. I am all about fixing and repairing and loving the end result. Our realtor told us two hours after we bid on it that someone had already got it. I was more than heartbroken on this one. I did what they all said we shouldn't and that was invest every emotion into the home. I saw me and my husband pulling up from work, eating dinner in the dining room, BBQing in the back, kids coming from karate and piano classes. I saw all of that and then some. So when they said it was gone, it took a minute to shake the feeling. I don't have a picture of this house because once we lost it, I didn't want to look at it anymore. Yeah -I went that far.
Which then brings us to May 29. Hubby and I looked at five houses in one day. Just boom boom boom boom boom -house after house. We told our realtor that we'll place a bid on three. The first was so beautiful that I didn't even think we'd get it. The second one was another fixer upper but it had a huge gigantic back deck that faced a large lake. It was beautiful. The third was a lot higher than we were planning but with that con came the luxury of the kitchen having new cabinets, cathedral ceilings, four bedrooms 2 1/2 baths, nice quiet neighborhood in the area that we always wanted to live. Guess which house we got? House #3!!
Hey fam. I know it's been a minute and life has been truly filled with blessings and new journeys. Hubby and I are now homeowners (yay and I promise so many blogs about being a homeowner!). Ian started a new job, I had a surgery last month that is leading to other things (more blogs) and I've finally started my loc journey. Life, my life, our life is doing great right now. I am truly feeling and accepting all blessings that have come our way. Everything has been a journey. The path to getting a home is literally exhausting and tiring and stressful but to reach that end result is priceless! I'm very happy right now.
I have many talents but one that I can honestly say that I do well is keeping my life at home or hidden. I can smile, laugh, drink, be professional, keep a conversation, drive, speak and work all day long. I'll then come home and tear everything I did apart. Doubts and fears would kick in hard and I would question everything I did. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? When someone would call, all of that was pushed away and I was good. Friends of mine would ask me things like why is everything perfect in your life or I wish I had your life. I would tell them that it's certainly not perfect, I just don't talk about it. When I turned 30 (even a little before), I learned that I had to a)let things go and talk about them and b) know to never judge a book by its cover. Never think that someone is happy when they may not be. Never think that someone's life is so much better. Never think that the outside appearance, whether good or bad, is just that.
I just finished watching the Behind the Music Nicole Scherzinger and I was literally amazed about the behind the scenes of her life. You see this woman who is thin, tall, beautiful, singer, dancer, exotic looking and yet she hated herself for years and years. She battled extreme shyness and an eating disorder while being the lead singer of a famous record selling girl group. I know that people outside of the celebrity lifestyle, myself included, look at celebrities and think that they must be on the top of the world. They have money and fame. They can get whatever they want, practically date who ever they want and they should always be happy. When these celebrities, particularly women, talk about how they don't think they're beautiful, they're single and been single for a long time, can't find love, have abandonment issues, don't love themselves or their bodies, although I know they all are human, it's almost baffling to hear. I do, with each story, gain more respect for them to know that while I've disliked the fact that I'm short, wore glasses, plump body, not being light skinned with the long flowing hair, the thin tall model looking Halle Berry look like is disgusted with herself as well. I don't know if it's respect or just knowing that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling.
As I watched this program, I then began to think about someone who I know that I once envied. I met her almost two years ago. I was just getting back into my spoken word but when I had her one of pieces, it was truthful and raw and my piece wasn't even close to that by far. I think I even had to go on stage after her and completely compared every thing I wrote to hers and felt that I shouldn't put a pen to words ever again. We then became Facebook friends and I would read some of her posts about the love she found and how she was welcoming a new baby into the world. I was honestly happy for her and never thought ill thoughts about her. It was never she think she cute or any of that typical hating that a lot (not all) of women do to each other. It was more of turning the negative on myself like why can't I have this or that. As time went on, her FB stats began to show how unhappy she was and the question of why am I still single kept coming up. By this time, I had gotten married and very happy with my love life. After awhile, I had to check myself and tell myself that not everyone that looks like they are happy and doing great isn't. The person that looks better than I do isn't perfect so why am I beating myself up? (more to continue)
I was at work the other day and noticed one of my friends had recently got her hair done. It was noticeable that her hair had grown within the last couple of months and she got a roller wrap. For a second, I went into this ridiculous trance of memories of my long straight hair just leaving the hair salon. I used to get my hair done every two weeks. When money was acting funny, I got it done every couple of months. Nevertheless, I remember feeling so happy seeing my hair bouncy and full of life and shiny. Now granted, I have gained a confidence for myself with going back to natural. I have no regrets at all but I have to admit that I did have a vulnerable moment in thinking "Man, it would be nice to get it straight and have my flowing roller wrap." Then I said nah -you are good. It's been nine months since you went natural and you're doing great! I just needed some encouragement. :) It's all good. #happynatural
This is just a random blog that's been on the brain for a minute so bear with. March happens to be Women's History Month. Last year, I started researching facts about the unknown black women that aren't profiled as much as others. I learned a lot about different women and shared that info on my Twitter and Facebook pages. This year, I thought I would take a different route.
I was born in Korea, raised in Germany and came to the states in the early 90s. Raised in a two parent home with one younger brother in a middle class home. I had always been shy and self conscious about how I looked. I used to be super skinny with a big forehead, big nose, thick hair and big glasses. A lot of that hasn't changed except for the skinny part. None of my features or my skin tone 't really bothered me too much....or so I thought. I remember once in the 5th grade where it was the parent/teacher conference. My mother gave me the 3 braids (2 in the front and one big one in the back) with the big ball hair ties. I had these and my pink glasses. We walked in and my teacher said, "Wow! You look just like Whoopi Goldberg!" He then starts laughing loudly. For the rest of the year I was taunted with the nickname Whoopi or Celie from the Color Purple. When he first said that, I was hurt. I felt ugly and ashamed and extra black. It was like I knew I was the darkest student in the class but now, I was being followed with Danny Glover's famous line
Look at you. Your black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all!
Needless to say, I became even more of a recluse and whatever self esteem I had was now lost. That nickname followed me until 7th grade. Then I remember seeing the movies Posse and Low Down Dirty Shame and saw Sally Richardson-Whitfield. I immediately wanted to look like her. I wanted to be tall, skinny, pretty and light. At least lighter than I was. Then that led to me wanting to look like Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams (singer), Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, etc. I never tried to lighten my skin or bash myself loudly. It was more of a silent cry --why do I look like this. Why have I have to be compared to a woman that will forever be known as dark, black ugly Celie?
Junior year of high school, I read Black Boy by Richard Wright. It's one of my all time favorite books. I absolutely loved it and I slowly began to love the skin that I'm in. If you read the book, you'll know why. Then I saw Lauryn Hill singing Killing Me Softly. For the first time, I saw a dark skinned woman that I thought I could relate to physically. Not looks-wise because I definitely don't look anything like her but just of how proud she was of her and her skin. That was the positive. The negative of that was it took for me to look at a celebrity to really appreciate my mother. I look just like my mother and during all that time that I was hating me and how I looked, I was in part hating her as well because she gave me these looks. She gave me this skin. After I truly woke up, I then began to look at all of our shades and tones and was proud of what I am and who I am. Today, I can honestly say that I love the fact that I may look like Whoopi Goldberg. I think she is an incredible person on so many levels and would not want to change myself. Now my weight (insert sigh).
So that is my history as a black woman so far. What has your history shown you?
The other day, Russ Parr and his morning crew opened up the discussion about the duet between Rihanna and Chris Brown. They played a snippet of the remix Cake and first thing I thought was wow. I took out their personal past and just listened to the lyrics. Wow! It's definitely a club song and might be the theme music that women will play on their birthday.Then the crew started talking about it; saying things like she's obviously forgiven him so the public should as well. They're grown so they're going to do what they want to do. It's battered women syndrome. She's crazy. She doesn't know what she's doing. Chris Brown is stupid for doing it and etc. At first I thought she is like every other woman that has been in an abusive relationship. She misses Chris, a lot of time has passed, she's forgiven him, she's trying to move on. Then I stopped myself because for one, these songs doesn't particularly mean that they're back together. People always say that when two artists of the opposite sex does a track or a movie together. I honestly didn't believe Beyonce was with Jay Z for the longest time. I needed to hear it from her because the public always wants to pair people up. Not everybody ends up like Beyonce/Jay or Angelina/Brad. That could only leave a very plausible reason: MONEY! Who would have thought that Chris Brown and Rihanna would do a song together after all that has happened? Rihanna could have easily gotten Trey Songz to do this song. He's all about sex. Hell she could have gotten Miguel. Or she could taken the singing part and just had a somebody do a rap on it-J. Cole, Wale, Tyga or Future (I'm so kidding about the last two. They both get on my nerves!) Just seeing them both perform (seperately) at the Grammy's was a little shocking to me. Obviously the restraining order has been lifted. I wasn't paying too much attention after all was said and done. So now we have these songs that they are both on and it has everyone talking about it, including me.What everyone (including me) is waiting on is the music video and the two of them performing the song on the same stage. The public wants to see how they'll interact with each other; their body language. Cake is a very hot sexually driven song. Chris even says Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body. I bet he has. So we'll see what the future holds. I know that this is a business and both Rihanna and Chris Brown are career driven. They are both smart and should have expected all of this. If they are back together, I'm going to tell them what I would tell friends of mine. Be careful.
For my birthday (in December) my husband got me the Wii Personal Trainer game. From the time we got married to December, I would whine and complain about gaining weight and how I need to buy more clothes because of this and that. I always talked about going to the gym but never went. I was turning into that person that I didn't want to be: a sayer and not a doer. I always tell people that actions speak louder than words and yet I wasn't doing that. Husband took action and bought this game. I was too happy. I can work out at home so no need to buy a gym membership (which is what I told him I originally wanted. Planet Fitness was running a $10/monthly membership with no contract). Then he said we can work out together. That statement was the push for me to my mind right and get these started. For those who have purchased or should I say, invested in this "person", hopefully you'll agree with me when I say OMG to the third power. We set up the 9 week program on easy and set it up where we worked out four days and rested three. The trainer talks you and encourages you when it seems like your real body isn't making the animated you move on screen. They do encourage like You can do this or Let's try again. It's all for you. Just imagine though; you yourself is doing the exercise but because the sensor isn't picking up on your movements, the animated you is just standing there. Where you've physically done ten push-ups but the screen only says two, you're ready to fight the chick on the screen. We're going strong for about three weeks and I start getting pains in both of my ankles. I dealt with it for about two weeks with waking up in the middle of the night with pain and having a hard time trying to walk. Finally I went to the doc (which I hate to do for anything) and found out I had tendonitis in both ankles. I was doing so good, people. I was working out and we were drinking water and trying to eat right. It's about two weeks since I've been to the doctor and they've gotten a lot better. I bought some work out shoes so I can get back into it. I got to. It's true about the gaining of ten to 15 once you get married. I cannot reveal my gain but it's time to get rid of it. So in addition to working out and changing our eating habits, we're (he's still doing it with me) going to start our HCG diet. I did it once before the wedding and I lost 7 pounds in a week and a half and that was it. My father and aunt lost bookoo weight so that's what I'm hoping for. We'll see. I know with this diet, I was hungry all the time so expect a lot more of angry blogs probably about food. :)
I make goals for myself when the New Year's Eve arrives. I always try to work on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I never liked to call them New Year's resolutions. I'm not sure why. Could be just the term. Almost like I'm expected to fail because who ever completes or accomplishes their New Year's resolutions? :) I definitely want to lose weight which I'm currently working on. I'm constantly trying to find motivation to write. I bought Overcoming writer's Block for Dummies and as much as I try the mind exercises, my writing mind doesn't seem to be clicking. I haven't written a piece since May or June. So that's another goal of mine; to at least write a page each week and then move up to a page a day. I want to slow down my over thinking train. It's forever going so I want to slow it down a little bit and try to enjoy life. I mean really enjoy it. Quiet moments, jazz moments, husband and I watching Law & Order, spending time with the family, a sunrise---just enjoy time and life. A light bulb went off after my husband and I went to St. Louis. Before we left, we both said it doesn't matter what we do, it will be all good because it'll spent with each other. Just us. I can remember several moments where I wasn't enjoying time with him because I was worrying about money. Were we going to have enough? Even though I had a money plan set up before we left, we were thrown a small curve ball and the plan just evaporated and I got worried. It took for my husband to say a couple of times "Just chill. Quit worrying." Finally I did and we had a blast but had I just relaxed and laughed it off, I wouldn't have lost those moments. So when we go on our cruise, I will enjoy everything and try my hardest to just relax and NOT WORRY. What else? We'll be moving this year from the current apartment. We're looking at both options in regards to a house -rent or own? Work is going well but I have been thinking about moving up the ladder or at least trying something new within company. Husband just got promoted with his employment so he's going on a new journey. (I'm so proud and excited for him!) This year I just want to get to that point of not worrying. Calming my brain, my sleep, my thoughts-everything. I'm going to make 2012 great! Cheesy, I know but positive thinking, right?
I just read an article about the over thinking and stressing and why women do this. I can honestly say I am a queen at this. I over think everything all the time. The mental ticker tape is constantly moving. (If you want to read the article, it’s at http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/make-every-day-great/article.aspx?cp-documentid=31788265). I’ve always been like that. I constantly think about bills, money, what to do when I get home, next week and planning for the months ahead. I’m always thinking about my husband, my family, work, life in general and it’s always more than I need to. The article made some good points that over thinking saps one’s confidence and not necessarily feeling a sense of control. I feel that when I go from 1 to 100 in my thought process. If either one of us is really quiet (usually me), my husband and I will ask the other “What cha thinking?”
We just want to make sure we keep communication open. It’s a little hard for me because I don’t really like talking out loud about myself. Honest, I don’t. My response to the question is usually “…a million and one things…” His response to that is tell me the first 10. Typically I can break it down; I need to get a money order for the electric bill, I can’t remember if I left the curling irons on, I need to call Mom when I get off, I hope Dad is doing okay, what are we going to have for dinner, I’m tired but need to put away laundry and do the rest of the dishes (just FYI-these are all the thoughts I just had). Why do I do that!!! It never stops either. If I’m really focused on something, the thoughts will slowly creep in from behind and just float on top of my brain until I’m done with my task. Even when I’m enjoying something, mind is still going. Going to bed is the worse. I could be laying there and it’s no holds barred. I don’t even try to think about all of this. I hate it. I saw a comedy show with Wanda Sykes and she was talking about this exact thing. Women go to bed and think about everything in the world. Then they’ll look at the clock, realize how late it is and think to themselves why can’t I go to sleep? I couldn’t stop laughing at that because damn-that’s me! My brain would be going crazy and then I’ll see that it’s 4:14 am and I have to get up about an hour and would have the audacity to ask myself why can’t I go to sleep. It’s insane. It’s been since I was a kid and as an adult, it really REALLY sucks! I’ve tried all I could; sleep aid, tea to make me sleep, no caffeine two hours before I go to bed, no TV, eye mask to block out any light. I even tried visualizing a midget kicking my thoughts out of my brain. Please forgive me because I have no idea why I choose midgets to beat the crap out of my worrying thoughts but some times it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t know. I’m weird. But to hear Wanda Sykes talk about women over thinking made me realize I’m not the only one that feels this way. The article really opened my eyes and one of my goals this year is to work on that. I need to quit over thinking everything. If there was ever a contest on who can over think the most, if I didn’t come in first, I would be a very close second.
Every day since the New Year began, Indianapolis has had a homicide. It’s always crazy watching the news which I try not to watch it but lately it’s been feeling very Law & Order SVU/Criminal Minds-ish. A man killed a young girl (to whom he was babysitting) and chopped up her body? Random people are getting shot while standing outside on their property or just taking out the trash? Sounds like that Criminal Minds episode when the son was just popping off people left and right because he was fired from his job and his mother was yelling about rent money in the same day. I just don’t understand it. I can’t wait to move out the neighborhood we live in. During the summer, people were getting held up at gun point. We’ve had break-ins during the day on the weekend---they were bold. Just crazy. I’ve even had dreams about our car getting stolen and then the next dream was I was in jail. Doesn’t make sense at all. What is going on Indianapolis?
I read about Rihanna and the Dutch magazine offending her with racial slurs. First I read the article and got mad at the magazine just like she did. How can they be disrespectful like that? They should know that it would be offensive and racial jokes aren't jokes. Then it got me thinking. Rihanna along with anyone, celebrity or not, should not be degraded. In fact the magazine put two terms together that are bad all on their own. Then I turned on the radio and N***** in Paris began to play. I love the song but still shake my head at the title. The next song was Dance by Big Sean. I don't care for him and his music but he has a line in it that when I hear it, I'm reminded why I'm not a fan.
You the best you deserve a crown bitch
In the US, you can buy a bumper sticker, key chain, shirt, sign, etc. that says I'm the baddest bitch. I know women that would rather call themselves that bad bitch as opposed to queen or woman. It's used so much now as a replacement for woman or friend that it doesn't seem to hurt anyone. Same thing was done with the word n****. that form of the word caught on a lot earlier and I will admit, when I was in middle school/freshman year of high school, I used the word n**** all the time when talking about a dude. I said it with rap songs and it didn't bother me to use it. It wasn't until I moved to Mississippi before sophomore year that I had to stop and think about why I was saying it. It was slang, the norm, no biggie. Everybody was saying it. If I saw a dusty loud disrespectful type dude, he was a n**** to me. In Mississippi, though, I started looking at the trees that my ancestors hung from and the still standing plantation houses and couldn't form my lips to say it. I told a old friend of mine this and she said calling a man a n**** is no different than calling him a king. Really? Is that how it is now? So is Kanye really saying Got my kings in Paris and they're going gorillas? Is that the same for bitches and queens? When Jay-Z says I got that hot bitch in my home, we know who he's talking about and I'm not sure what Beyonce thought about that line. However, if they are having a daughter, instead of saying this is my little queen/princess, is he going to say this is my little bitch? I highly doubt it. This isn't a knock to rappers and entertainers but all of this is just part of language, right? The two are just any other words, right? Everybody, celebrities and non celebrities, speak slang, right? Now back to the incident at hand with the magazine. They stated that it seems to be the norm so they thought it was a) a joke and b) slang. They were interviewing a pop artist who although isn't from the states but is considered an American pop artist. They thought they were using American slang. Had we read a headline that Rihanna (or anyone else famous) saying that's my n**** Jay-Z (I keep using him as an example because I know they've worked together), would anyone had gotten offended? What if she was on stage performing with Nicki Minaj and Nicki said "That's my bitch right there. Rihanna has been my n**** we were knee high!" I will admit that doesn't sound like anything Nicki Minaj would say but would Rihanna, myself, or anyone else had been as offended? I understand why she got upset and she had every right to be. It was very offensive. I got offended just reading it. I don't go around calling men n****s and women bitches and never have I heard the term "the ultimate n****b*tch" but at the same time, should the editor have quit? They made a mistake but they also thought they were keeping up with American slang. What about the record companies here that keep pushing the slang out there with songs and videos? She had every right to be upset and offended but for everyone else, can we really blame anyone outside of the US for using the same slang as we do? Can we the users and pushers be offended?
I don't know if this is a good or bad thing to share but I'm going to anyway. I'm a control freak when it comes to money. I hate to admit it but throughout my marriage, it's been more and more evident. When we get money, I want to save or stash it for a rainy day. I'm not an impulsive buyer. When I go to the mall or a store, I get what I need and then leave. No need to be looking around. I brought just enough money for what I was looking for. Why buy small things like Qtips, dishwashing liquid, toilet paper, carpet cleaner, bathroom cleaners, etc. at Walmart when I can get them for a dollar at Dollar Tree? A couple of weeks ago, I bought some laundry detergent called Awesome! I only had a couple of bucks on me and it got the job done. Still cracking up over the name though. :) I have no shame in shopping at Aldi's, Goodwill, and flea markets. If something's on sale, it has to be on sale-sale. I don't need an iphone, ipad, or a Kindle. Don't need a flat screen; the television we have is working just fine. (And no, it doesn't have any dials on it to change the channels. I know what you're thinking!) I'm frugal and definitely have cheap moments. I'm always thinking about bills and what's coming up that needs to be paid so buying something extra (want, not a need) isn't going to happen. Husband...not so much. He's everything opposite. First time I brought up Aldi's (before we got married), he gave me the weirdest look. Now, he's all for it because we save money. But it's all good---our marriage is all about differences and being opposites. Having said that, I took on paying the bills. Looking at the past months, I'm not sure if it was a good idea for me to pay the bills. Yes, I pay them timely and make sure that I budget food, gas and extra needs but when it comes to extra wants, I tend to turn into Linda Blair. It even scares me a little bit. Whenever my husband says I need, it's usually a want and I immediately shake my head and say no. My husband even asked my father, his father in law why am I the way I am. My father (gotta love him!) said she takes after me. Ian didn't really know what to say to that. Hell, what he could say to that? I am trying to control Linda though. I work a lot of over time so a)Linda won't be so stressed and b) so Cassandra can say that she's not just working for bills. I'm trying to grasp that it shouldn't be all work and no play. Got to enjoy what you work for. Husband is helping me that. Let's have fun. The other day I bought two nail polishes $1.97 a piece. Does that count? (Mom said I should have just gotten my nails. Not quite there yet.) Happy marriage!
Before he and I got married, one goal he wanted me to have was finish college. I have been to three colleges and didn't finish any of them. It was mainly a financial thing. I should have been all good considering both of my parents were in the military. Not to mention, I'm a black female---I should have been able to get all kinds of financial aid. It wasn't that easy and I probably didn't apply as hard as I should have. Got those loans though. Student loans kept coming but at the same time, it didn't seem like they were coming fast enough. So needless to say, I left school for the last time in 2004. Now fast forward to 2011, been married for seven months and I am on my last loan payment (LAST!), I've decided to go back to school. I thought last month was my last but I owe $80 more dollars. Although I am extremely happy about that, what do I have to show for it? I've paid too much damn money to not have a degree on my wall. I am so proud of my brother. He (with a huge push from our mother) went to school, kept pushing throughout the four years and got his Bachelor's degree. He didn't once say he wanted to give up or stop or just take a break. He kept going and finished. I was such the proud older sister at his graduation. My husband also has his degree. When we have children, I want to have that accomplished to. I want us to say the same thing my parents said to me and my brother--We both have Bachelor's. You two have to have same or better. They said that when we were really young. I have to now. I have to push forward and do this. Like my vow to commit to husband, I need to commit this and see it to the end. Besides, I am one to find ways to keep me busy. School and completing my book for daughters and my children's book series should keep me busy for at least a year. The timeline for children is slowly moving back mainly because we want to do a lot before that comes. So ladies/wives/sisters, keep your self busy. Your marriage is a wonderful thing but make sure you keep yourself busy so you guys can miss each other. Seeing each other again makes things so much sweeter. Muah!
So after 34 days of being late, I finally got my cycle. I think the worse part of trying to conceive, aside from the negative tests, the sometimes stupid comments people make about infertility, the days that seem to be worse than others, is waiting. My patience is literally tested everyday. I used to think that I was a very patient person. All things come when it's supposed to. All things come in their own time. Everything happens for a reason. I clearly did not think that I would be going through this where patience and hope are the two things needed to survive. Waiting is so frustrating because you do not know what's going on. You don't have any clue as to what to do. We took two tests and both came out negative. Finally my doctor put me on Provera to kick start my cycle. At first, I thought that was a little backwards. Why would I want my cycle? But...upon doctor's orders, I picked up the prescription and it worked. (Sarcastic) Yay!
