Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

What's wrong with you?!

My people -if you know anyone that is trying to have a child and running into infertility, pleee--aase do not ask what's wrong with you?! Please don't say that they can have one of yours because they get on your nerves. Please don't say that you must not be having sex right because you have four kids already. If you think that you're being the good friend, I can reassure and tell you that you're not. The couple, particularly the woman is going through enough without that great friend telling her just how wrong she's doing everything. Fortunately I've only had one person say something close to this. I was telling this person that we may have to look to other avenues on having a baby and they said "Why aren't you just having sex? Isn't that the normal way?" The normal way -that stung a little bit. I defensively took that as saying I'm not normal. My body and what it's not doing is not normal like I'm some freakishly deformed thing (not a woman) who should be in a zoo somewhere displayed as the broken female alien that I am. I will admit that I went to the far end of my imagination with this but for that moment, I felt like that. I don't understand a lot of things about this but I wonder why it doesn't register that the woman has asked all of these questions to herself and her spouse. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? What is wrong with us? Does God hate me? Am I so crazy and deranged that I shouldn't reproduce? Why can't I have what I've been wanting for so long? What is wrong with me? 

So...just a little advice for those who are friends with, sisters with, brothers with, mothers and fathers with someone who has or is trying to have a child, it's truly a roller coaster -lots of up and down emotions and sometimes asking, "What's wrong with you?" just might make the drop even harder. #venting

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC

You are now a homeowner!

To hear those was so amazing. We started looking for a house in April but had been wanting one for a while. We did three houses that we ultimately felt like it was the house but we ended up losing the bid. I will admit that losing those three were slightly heartbreaking. The first two had so much character that it literally spoke to me. I saw our future kids and grandkids at those houses. Fortunately we didn't get those house because both needed so much work. The first house was older but it was a 3 bedroom, basement, hardwood floors, fireplace, six car driveway in a very quaint artsy neighborhood where people walked their dogs, every neighbor knew each neighbor and was very comfortable. We would have had to have the total amount of the home in cash to buy it. That should have told me right then but I still fell in love with it.

The second house was just beautiful on the outside. Two story home with four bedrooms, backyard, nice looking neighborhood with so much room for potential. It was in our price range, it just fit us and again, so much potential. The main problem was it needed so much work. The homes were looking at were all foreclosed so (understandably) some of the former residents trashed the houses before moving out. In this house, they pulled up all of the carpeting, the walls were horribly painted and trashed. Most of it was cosmetic but a lot of money. A lot of money we didn't have. I still wanted the home though. I am all about fixing and repairing and loving the end result. Our realtor told us two hours after we bid on it that someone had already got it. I was more than heartbroken on this one. I did what they all said we shouldn't and that was invest every emotion into the home. I saw me and my husband pulling up from work, eating dinner in the dining room, BBQing in the back, kids coming from karate and piano classes. I saw all of that and then some. So when they said it was gone, it took a minute to shake the feeling. I don't have a picture of this house because once we lost it, I didn't want to look at it anymore. Yeah -I went that far.

Which then brings us to May 29. Hubby and I looked at five houses in one day. Just boom boom boom boom boom -house after house. We told our realtor that we'll place a bid on three. The first was so beautiful that I didn't even think we'd get it. The second one was another fixer upper but it had a huge gigantic back deck that faced a large lake. It was beautiful. The third was a lot higher than we were planning but with that con came the luxury of the kitchen having new cabinets, cathedral ceilings, four bedrooms 2 1/2 baths, nice quiet neighborhood in the area that we always wanted to live. Guess which house we got? House #3!!

Accepting the Blessings

Hey fam. I know it's been a minute and life has been truly filled with blessings and new journeys. Hubby and I are now homeowners (yay and I promise so many blogs about being a homeowner!). Ian started a new job, I had a surgery last month that is leading to other things (more blogs) and I've finally started my loc journey. Life, my life, our life is doing great right now. I am truly feeling and accepting all blessings that have come our way. Everything has been a journey. The path to getting a home is literally exhausting and tiring and stressful but to reach that end result is priceless! I'm very happy right now.

"I'd make the perfect wife"

Melanie Fiona has a song out now that called 4am. I'm digging the song because I've been there many of times waiting up for my man 2, 3 and 4 in the morning. Whenever I hear it though, there is one line that always catches my eye.

I don't deserve this life. I'd make the perfect wife

Every time I hear it, it always gets me thinking: What makes a woman the perfect wife? What would constitute as that? Does she think she'd be a perfect wife because she's (creating a back story here) been with this guy for some amount of years, loves him no matter what, trusts and honors him, would do anything for him including waiting up yet again for him to come home? As far as I know, there isn't an updated guide to being a good wife. I could only find one and that was from the 1950s. I looked for it. Trust and believe I'm not a 1950s wife. Not saying I couldn't be. I'm sure that I could quit my job, clean the house all day, make sure that full meals are ready no matter when he gets home, greet my husband with a beer or some night cap, don't speak, knit a sweater and make sure that his needs are taken care and disregard my own and give him the best damn sex he ever had no matter how I'm feeling. I could but it's just not me and that's not what my husband asked for. If so, he would have found someone else. Another blog.  

So again, what is the perfect wife? She's a great cook, makes sure the house is immaculate, keeps her look flawless, a good listener, doesn't gossip, balances her emotions, lady in street but a freak in bed? I asked myself this question over and over when we got engaged. I never doubted how I would be as a mother but a wife---a whole different story for me. What is expected and what if I can't do it? The word wife has so much with it that it almost frightened me. My parents, my role models, are wonderful parents but not so much as husband and wife. Then you look at wives we see in public like TV and movies. Who seemed to be the perfect wife? Clair Huxtable of course. She was a career mom. She was funny and intelligent and she kept the home together and she and Cliff still got down in the bedroom. Perfect. I think every mother wanted to be her and every man wanted to marry her. Truth though is that the character is fictional. Possible but fictional. Plus I think for any wife to be perfect, her husband/spouse would need to match them. The Huxtables as a unit worked. They were there for each other. They listened to each other and helped the other. She wasn't a perfect wife. She was perfect for him ...in TV land. So now here we are in reality and women are getting married every day. When you say "I do'', know that you cannot be the perfect wife. Don't strive for it because you will hurt yourself trying. I learned that after about six months. I was trying to work 8 to 10 hours, come home, cook dinner and clean the kitchen along with handling the money. He didn't ask for that. I told him that what I would do before we got married so for about six months, that's what I did. I then got to a point where I was stressing because I felt like I was doing things by myself. He asked to help but I wanted to be the perfect wife and do it all. I asked for it so why complain.  I had to tell myself that I couldn't. So now I still do cook meals and clean but we do it together. I still handle the money but we do it together.What do you think constitutes as the perfect wife?

Wedding recaps and ideas

Since we’re reaching the high traffic wedding months, I thought I would share some of the things I did for my wedding. I got married last April but the wedding is still strong in my mind. Besides I was slacking last year so I’ll do this now.

• Before I decided on my dress, I knew that I was going to get flat comfortable shoes. It was a must. I don’t walk in heels all that much so I wasn’t going to try to on my wedding day. I saw a lot of cute Stiletto shoes but I would rather be comfortable. I ended up buying some white cushiony slippers from David’s Bridal. I believe they were 20 something but it was definitely worth it. I was happy and didn’t think about my feet at all. Plus my photographer loved it. She took several pictures of them. J

• I read a lot of blogs where people had negative opinions about having a fake cake for show and then a sheet cake cut up in the back. I jumped on that idea. It not only saved us money (a simple sheet cake and one layer on top of the fake cake for cutting) but it also was great for pictures. We asked the baker before we hired her if she would be offended if we asked. She said yes and opted to make money off the total if we gave her back the fake part of it. Heck yeah we did. We wouldn’t need it. So if there’s something you want to try but reading that others think it’s not acceptable or a little weird, bump that! Try it out because this is your wedding. Do what you want and can afford.

• Come up with a MUST HAVE picture list for your photographer. My photographers were absolutely awesome and they already had ideas about what to shoot. I had full trust in them but I also wanted to make sure that I included pictures of people my family wanted as well. It won’t offend the photographers. How would they know that you want a special picture of your niece with an Uncle that’s always out of town? They wouldn’t so you’d have to direct them.

• I went back and forth mentally about getting a wedding coordinator. I knew that I would be like any other bride and wouldn’t want to hear about any issues or concerns unless it’s something really drastic. Finally we both decided that we couldn’t afford it. The least expensive one I could find was $1200 for 3 hours. Not happening. I then was talking to one of my co-workers about the wedding and she was giving me advice on the wedding day. I then jokingly said “I should ask you to be the wedding coordinator.” She said she would do it. I jumped for joy and thanked her graciously. As long as I provided a timeline, a list of vendor telephones and give her all of the important information, she was good. I say if you know someone that isn’t family, assertive, helpful and that you can trust, ask them if they’ll do it for you. I say someone that isn’t family because they might want to take pictures or be in pictures or get involved in certain things and you don’t want to take that away from them because people are running up to them left and right looking for extra candles.

• Make sure to incorporate yours and the groom’s style in the wedding. One thing a lot of people remember are the songs we played during the bouquet and garter toss. I chose Singles Ladies by Beyonce. It made it fun. It’s a fun song and it still is. My husband decided on the theme song to James Bond. He was named after the creator so he thought it fit. Runner ups were the theme to Indiana Jones and Mission Impossible. I was happy with James Bond.

So brides and grooms, have fun, enjoy your day and try to take it all in because it does literally go in a flash. Also try not to worry. The morning of my wedding, it was storming horribly! It was full of pouring down raining, thunder and lightening. I laughed when I woke up and saw that. Didn’t let it get to me. By the end of the day and when our car arrived, it was bright and sunny. It was just beautiful. So try not to worry and love your husband.

Say what?

Someone asked me the other day about our almost first year of marriage. I replied that it’s been great. We’ve had some obstacles but still very happy and closer now than we were before we got engaged. They looked at me as if I was crazy and then asked me how. She would say the first year is always the worse. We heard that a lot just before the wedding. We had to know ahead of time that the first year is always the hardest and don’t go to bed angry. We’ve had obstacles and we’re communicating more (every day as much as we can) in regards to money but for the most part, it’s been great. When she asked how, the only thing I could think of is that we actually miss each other. During these almost 11 months, he and I have been working a lot of hours. It’s either been long days or late nights. Our schedules were always jumping around so much that when we did have time together, we made every minute count. I know that most newly weds, not all, are up under each other all the time and then get tired of each other. He and I have already gone through that. We used to work together and it did get to be too much at some points. Now, though, every moment counts when we can have dinner together or watch a Law & Order SVU episode or just chill. If we can go out to dinner or a movie, that’s a true bonus for us. Plus, it allows us to have our own time as well. I can come home and write or take care of the house. He can relax or visit family when I’m working late. So for us, our crazy schedules have allowed us to miss each other and made the almost first year go smoothly.

2nd day and I'm starving....

For those that are my FB friend or Twitter friend, you might have cracked up at my status around 4:30ish. It read and I quote,

Stomach: Get me some chilli cheese fries. Me: Shut up trick!

People, my husband and I started the HCG diet officially yesterday and man, I am not going to lie to you--I am so hungry. I want things that I don't usually eat. I don't eat ice cream all that much but damn, a chocolate fudge sundae sure sounds good right now. But.....we are being strong. We both have already lost some pounds, believe it or not. This is going to work. We are going to look banging on the cruise or at least that's the goal. :) We are going to reach it. We have to. I will say though what really sucks (he and I both discovered) is that next week is Valentine's Day. With that loving, beautiful yet yucky and sappy holiday comes chocolate and sweets. You might want to have some champagne and a nice dinner. We can't do that. No chocolate covered strawberries. No pasta dinner for two while sipping a red wine. No chocolate dessert with raspberry drizzled over it. No wine, champagne, no alcohol at all. Ugh. None of that. My husband said, "I guess we didn't plan that right." But you know it's all good. We'll have our green tea in our champagne glasses. It compliment our meal just nicely: 3.5 oz of chicken, grilled to perfection with a dash of pepper inside of lettuce and tomato slices. Mmmmmm.....sounds good, doesn't it? It's all good though. Valentine's Day is about celebrating love with one another and the joy of being married and our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife....without chocolate :)

Money that doesn't make cents

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing to share but I'm going to anyway. I'm a control freak when it comes to money. I hate to admit it but throughout my marriage, it's been more and more evident.  When we get money, I want to save or stash it for a rainy day. I'm not an impulsive buyer. When I go to the mall or a store, I get what I need and then leave. No need to be looking around. I brought just enough money for what I was looking for. Why buy small things like Qtips, dishwashing liquid, toilet paper, carpet cleaner, bathroom cleaners, etc. at Walmart when I can get them for a dollar at Dollar Tree? A couple of weeks ago, I bought some laundry detergent called Awesome! I only had a couple of bucks on me and it got the job done. Still cracking up over the name though. :) I have no shame in shopping at Aldi's, Goodwill, and flea markets. If something's on sale, it has to be on sale-sale. I don't need an iphone, ipad, or a Kindle. Don't need a flat screen; the television we have is working just fine. (And no, it doesn't have any dials on it to change the channels. I know what you're thinking!) I'm frugal and definitely have cheap moments. I'm always thinking about bills and what's coming up that needs to be paid so buying something extra (want, not a need) isn't going to happen. Husband...not so much. He's everything opposite. First time I brought up Aldi's (before we got married), he gave me the weirdest look. Now, he's all for it because we save money. But it's all good---our marriage is all about differences and being opposites. Having said that, I took on paying the bills. Looking at the past months, I'm not sure if it was a good idea for me to pay the bills. Yes, I pay them timely and make sure that I budget food, gas and extra needs but when it comes to extra wants, I tend to turn into Linda Blair. It even scares me a little bit. Whenever my husband says I need, it's usually a want and I immediately shake my head and say no. My husband even asked my father, his father in law why am I the way I am. My father (gotta love him!) said she takes after me. Ian didn't really know what to say to that. Hell, what he could say to that? I am trying to control Linda though. I work a lot of over time so a)Linda won't be so stressed and b) so Cassandra can say that she's not just working for bills. I'm trying to grasp that it shouldn't be all work and no play. Got to enjoy what you work for. Husband is helping me that. Let's have fun. The other day I bought two nail polishes $1.97 a piece. Does that count? (Mom said I should have just gotten my nails. Not quite there yet.) Happy marriage!

Giving Thanks

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my people, far and near, hand length and via Internet. I hope that they enjoy today with loved ones. Last night before we went to bed, I told my husband that I would try my hardest not get on my little rants about the holiday. He asked me my opinion and I told him. I’ve never liked the idea that the Pilgrims slaughtered Indians only to have to dinner with few is celebrated.  To have this happy picture of Indians on one side and Pilgrims on the other with a turkey in the middle never sat well. I didn’t get it as a kid and of course it carried over into my adult life. My husband broke it down to me and said that Thanksgiving isn’t about that; it’s to give thanks for family and friends. To be grateful about life and love and all the blessings that one has. My immediate response was I give thanks and appreciate each day every day so this day isn’t any different. He is right though. I certainly won’t forget the past but for the present and future, I am grateful for what I have. I have a great family, a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, a job and great friends. Not everyone has that so I am truly grateful for that. This year has been amazing and it’s still going strong. I’m looking forward to the future and mentally preparing for next year. I am grateful that I’m with someone who can always show me the flip side of thinking. What are you grateful/thankful for? Peace & love!

Commitment

Before he and I got married, one goal he wanted me to have was finish college. I have been to three colleges and didn't finish any of them. It was mainly a financial thing. I should have been all good considering both of my parents were in the military. Not to mention, I'm a black female---I should have been able to get all kinds of financial aid. It wasn't that easy and I probably didn't apply as hard as I should have. Got those loans though. Student loans kept coming but at the same time, it didn't seem like they were coming fast enough. So needless to say, I left school for the last time in 2004. Now fast forward to 2011, been married for seven months and I am on my last loan payment (LAST!), I've decided to go back to school. I thought last month was my last but I owe $80 more dollars. Although I am extremely happy about that, what do I have to show for it? I've paid too much damn money to not have a degree on my wall. I am so proud of my brother. He (with a huge push from our mother) went to school, kept pushing throughout the four years and got his Bachelor's degree. He didn't once say he wanted to give up or stop or just take a break. He kept going and finished. I was such the proud older sister at his graduation. My husband also has his degree. When we have children, I want to have that accomplished to. I want us to say the same thing my parents said to me and my brother--We both have Bachelor's. You two have to have same or better. They said that when we were really young. I have to now. I have to push forward and do this. Like my vow to commit to husband, I need to commit this and see it to the end. Besides, I am one to find ways to keep me busy. School and completing my book for daughters and my children's book series should keep me busy for at least a year. The timeline for children is slowly moving back mainly because we want to do a lot before that comes. So ladies/wives/sisters, keep your self busy. Your marriage is a wonderful thing but make sure you keep yourself busy so you guys can miss each other. Seeing each other again makes things so much sweeter. Muah!

New addition...not that

On our 7 month anniversary, my husband and I found out that we're adding a new addition to our family. The women in the family say it's a girl. My husband would like to think it's a boy but we all know that truth. It's a Kia! We got a new car and it truly shown our personalities with this new item. He was excited and nervous and proud. I was excited, nervous, proud but worried. I was worried about money. How much would it be? Banks and loans and money that isn't mine make me cringe. But....like a house, it was needed. My husband picked it out. He said "We need to find a family oriented car. When that time comes, we will be ready....at least with the car." He is right. I agreed with him 100%. It was crazy because when we were talking to the sales man, I had my game/man face on. I didn't care about the bells and whistles--tell me the cost. The salesman kept talking about head room and the size for baby seats. My husband kept talking about the size for baby seats and all the space in the back for football, basketball, school books and dance class bags. It's a beautiful thing that he was seeing all of that stuff. I wasn't at first because they didn't say how much it was. All I wanted to know was can we afford it? We talked, slept on it, went in the next day, and told us the price. I've never had a car payment (always paid in cash) so any size was too high for me. But we agreed, signed the papers and now have a family car. This past Saturday, I was leaving my mother's house and listening to This is the Life by Wendy & Lisa. I absolutely love that song. It's a soul speaking song. So I'm listening to this song, it's getting dark and for some reason I glance up at the rear view mirror and I could see our son and daughter passed out from a long day with Mom. I smiled. I could see it at that moment. The future is getting closer. Closer than you think. Happy marriage :)

One plus one equals one?

My husband and I will be reaching the half mark in a few weeks and it’s weird to say that I’ve been married almost six months. It doesn’t seem like it but it does. We’ve got somewhat of a routine of what groceries to get and how much to spend. Bills are paid on the same day every month. We try to spend time with our families how much as we can and we make time for ourselves. One daily lesson that I’m constantly learning is compromise and sacrifice. It’s no longer about me or what I want or what I need. It’s about us as a unit, a pair as one. That phrase used to confuse me. I use to tell people I’m already one so why do I need to find another to make a pair just to say we’re one. I understand that when we took those vows, I have his back and he has my back. If he decides to rob a bank, I’m driving the get away car. When I’m writing my children’s book and need some inspiration, he will take me to a playground or a library. If I want broccoli and he wants cheese potatoes, we’ll have cheesy broccoli. We take care of each other as husband and wife and try to make sure the other is happy. If he’s not happy, then I’m not and vice versa. I now understand that phrase and make it a goal every day to give 100% to him.

*For any law enforcement reading this blog, he and I do not plan to rob a bank, woman of her purse, man of his bike, squirrel of his or her nuts, etc. That was merely an example that I say to my husband all the time when talking about our love as one. :)

Babies and babies and no, I'm not pregnant

I think the first question my husband and I were asked after we got married was when the babies are coming. Some people waited a few weeks before asking. A lot asked me personally a week or two before the wedding (mainly my family). I guess marriage and children go hand and hand. You get married and then you have children. The timeline definitely varies---it just depends on the couple. Before we got married, I wanted to have kids right away and Ian wanted to wait. He stated that we should at least wait a year so we can have time for us. The first year is going to be all about discovery and growth about each other individually and as a married couple. I understood what he was saying and agreed. We should wait a year and we are. After we got married, I understood it more and more. The first couple of months, he and I were trying to figure out time for each other plus working different shifts, spending time with family and finding time to sleep. Trying to figure out a child in the middle of that would have been crazy. Ironically though, I’ve had babies on the brain. I see pregnant women everywhere. I work with mainly women (except for one) and they talk to me about kids all the time. My husband even catches ‘baby fever’ whenever we’re out and pass the baby section whether toys or clothes. So while we’re enjoying us as a married couple, we’re talking baby this and that.

Then, one of the biggest artists in the world, Beyonce announces her pregnancy on the MTV awards. I was on Twitter watching the show and people starting posting the infamous picture of her in the orange gown holding her baby bump. I didn’t believe it. I thought well, she’s just posing in a very weird way. I changed the channel to watch L&O SVU. I turned back just before her performance. She’s done with the performance, smiles at the camera, drops the mic, unbuttons her jacket, turns to the site and rubs her belly. My husband was sleeping but I kept saying “Oh my god, she’s pregnant!” Then they showed her husband who looked so proud and happy. All of a sudden, any thoughts about pregnancy that I had were now tripling in size. It literally became an obsession for me to read up on pregnancy—not so much babies. First it was Beyonce, and then it was Tia Mowery Hardict from her reality show. Co-workers and friends are pregnant. Eventually I had to tell my husband that before I go insane thinking about children all the time, maybe we shouldn’t talk about kids as much. I just want to focus on my new venture of writing a children’s book and our marriage. Of course though, since I’ve never written a children’s book, I’m in my researching phase. What better to research what children like and not like, what they read and don’t read than to speak to children? Smh.

Introduction of new name...I think

Hello my married couples. I am now a part of that group and I must say that marriage is interestingly wonderful. So far I’ve gotten more emotional and more ‘girlie’ as a wife. As he and I go through the honeymoon stage,  we’re missing each other, wanting to eat dinner together even if that means one is waiting for the other, excited about spending time together and feeling it when the other isn’t there. In the three years that we’ve been together as just a couple, I’ve been up and down with emotions. I try to be careful with feelings and protecting my heart. I didn’t want to fall too quickly but not too slow so he wouldn’t think I didn’t feel anything. He on the other hand wears his emotions on his sleeve. He laid everything out on the table before, in the middle and after all the marriage talking even came out. Now that we’re officially married, I’ve been open about all feelings. I don’t have to protect myself anymore or worry about falling because now he’s here and we’re married.

It hasn’t 100% hit me yet that I’m a wife. Mainly because I haven’t had to write my new name that much. We haven’t received the license yet so I can’t change my SSN which means I can’t change my credit cards or license. I have accepted it gracefully though. When ever someone asks for my name either at work or just over the phone, I effortlessly say my new name. I haven’t had a chance to introduce Ian as my husband to anyone. All of my friends and family were at the wedding and they know who he is. Ian, on the other hand has introduced me as his wife a few times. The first time was priceless. It was the day after the wedding and we were having brunch with his family when he ran into someone he knew. He was so excited because it would be the first for introductions.  He said, “I would like to introduce you to my wife, Cassandra Daniels.” J Even crazier is that neither one of us caught it! His mother did. We’re still laughing about that. It was the first time but it was so cute. Still getting used to hearing it but like I said, I’ve accepted naturally.