Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

TTC Vent & Hope

So after 34 days of being late, I finally got my cycle. I think the worse part of trying to conceive, aside from the negative tests, the sometimes stupid comments people make about infertility, the days that seem to be worse than others, is waiting. My patience is literally tested everyday. I used to think that I was a very patient person. All things come when it's supposed to. All things come in their own time. Everything happens for a reason. I clearly did not think that I would be going through this where patience and hope are the two things needed to survive. Waiting is so frustrating because you do not know what's going on. You don't have any clue as to what to do. We took two tests and both came out negative. Finally my doctor put me on Provera to kick start my cycle. At first, I thought that was a little backwards. Why would I want my cycle? But...upon doctor's orders, I picked up the prescription and it worked. (Sarcastic) Yay!

Then next day, I had to look at the bright side of it. I told my husband this means we can start another cycle of Clomid, it can then work and we can move forward to good news. The moral of this story ladies is that there is always a good thing even if it's hiding behind a bad thing. #Happy TTC

Social Media & TTC

Social media has definitely helped me through this TTC journey that we're on. I can find other women going through the same thing, have been through the same thing or just starting quicker. Although I know that I'm not the only one going through this, it's always a little easier to take in when you get encouragement from other people. It's amazing when I plug in #TTC, #babydust, or #trying to conceive into Pinterest or Instagram, how many women and groups pop up. I've already met some great people on Instagram and TheBump.com. I've gotten a lot of my questions from these women and will always be grateful.

When we first started, I was on a high and low search for black women who are dealing with issues of trying to conceive. It's not a topic that we generally hear within our community. Unfortunately it's the opposite but I know that there are more of us that are praying for children but maybe not able or running into issues. In fact it used to be the running joke between me and some friends of mine. I was the same age or a little older than the group, yet the only one that didn't have children. I would always get the reaction of "Why not?" like I was crazy or something. Little did they know. But to get back on track ---I'm still looking for said group but I have realized that we're all women and anyone that is going through this needs just as much encouragement as I do. So ladies you are not alone. It's definitely a struggle but there is hope out there. #HappyTTC

New addition...not that

On our 7 month anniversary, my husband and I found out that we're adding a new addition to our family. The women in the family say it's a girl. My husband would like to think it's a boy but we all know that truth. It's a Kia! We got a new car and it truly shown our personalities with this new item. He was excited and nervous and proud. I was excited, nervous, proud but worried. I was worried about money. How much would it be? Banks and loans and money that isn't mine make me cringe. But....like a house, it was needed. My husband picked it out. He said "We need to find a family oriented car. When that time comes, we will be ready....at least with the car." He is right. I agreed with him 100%. It was crazy because when we were talking to the sales man, I had my game/man face on. I didn't care about the bells and whistles--tell me the cost. The salesman kept talking about head room and the size for baby seats. My husband kept talking about the size for baby seats and all the space in the back for football, basketball, school books and dance class bags. It's a beautiful thing that he was seeing all of that stuff. I wasn't at first because they didn't say how much it was. All I wanted to know was can we afford it? We talked, slept on it, went in the next day, and told us the price. I've never had a car payment (always paid in cash) so any size was too high for me. But we agreed, signed the papers and now have a family car. This past Saturday, I was leaving my mother's house and listening to This is the Life by Wendy & Lisa. I absolutely love that song. It's a soul speaking song. So I'm listening to this song, it's getting dark and for some reason I glance up at the rear view mirror and I could see our son and daughter passed out from a long day with Mom. I smiled. I could see it at that moment. The future is getting closer. Closer than you think. Happy marriage :)

Babies and babies and no, I'm not pregnant

I think the first question my husband and I were asked after we got married was when the babies are coming. Some people waited a few weeks before asking. A lot asked me personally a week or two before the wedding (mainly my family). I guess marriage and children go hand and hand. You get married and then you have children. The timeline definitely varies---it just depends on the couple. Before we got married, I wanted to have kids right away and Ian wanted to wait. He stated that we should at least wait a year so we can have time for us. The first year is going to be all about discovery and growth about each other individually and as a married couple. I understood what he was saying and agreed. We should wait a year and we are. After we got married, I understood it more and more. The first couple of months, he and I were trying to figure out time for each other plus working different shifts, spending time with family and finding time to sleep. Trying to figure out a child in the middle of that would have been crazy. Ironically though, I’ve had babies on the brain. I see pregnant women everywhere. I work with mainly women (except for one) and they talk to me about kids all the time. My husband even catches ‘baby fever’ whenever we’re out and pass the baby section whether toys or clothes. So while we’re enjoying us as a married couple, we’re talking baby this and that.

Then, one of the biggest artists in the world, Beyonce announces her pregnancy on the MTV awards. I was on Twitter watching the show and people starting posting the infamous picture of her in the orange gown holding her baby bump. I didn’t believe it. I thought well, she’s just posing in a very weird way. I changed the channel to watch L&O SVU. I turned back just before her performance. She’s done with the performance, smiles at the camera, drops the mic, unbuttons her jacket, turns to the site and rubs her belly. My husband was sleeping but I kept saying “Oh my god, she’s pregnant!” Then they showed her husband who looked so proud and happy. All of a sudden, any thoughts about pregnancy that I had were now tripling in size. It literally became an obsession for me to read up on pregnancy—not so much babies. First it was Beyonce, and then it was Tia Mowery Hardict from her reality show. Co-workers and friends are pregnant. Eventually I had to tell my husband that before I go insane thinking about children all the time, maybe we shouldn’t talk about kids as much. I just want to focus on my new venture of writing a children’s book and our marriage. Of course though, since I’ve never written a children’s book, I’m in my researching phase. What better to research what children like and not like, what they read and don’t read than to speak to children? Smh.