Enlightening weekend!

You ever have a moment or a weekend where you've gained insight? You've gained a new perspective, a new outlook, something that just enlightens your mind and being. This past weekend was just that for me. It was like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday or like going to church but not going to church. I was being taught about essentially the same concept but through different avenues. First, I went to have a tarot reading for the first time. I've always been open-minded with learning something new, particularly with spirituality. I believe that anything spiritual is a forever learning journey. It's never ending with infinite ideas and thoughts if you're open-minded and willing to listen. It doesn't hurt to try something new. So with the encouragement of a friend of mine, I went. Anytime she did, she always felt better about her situations so I thought why not? I won't get into what all she said but it definitely showed me that I'm on the right path with my thoughts and emotions. I've been working on daily affirmations and mantras and turning it into a habit by choice. I've been reading a lot of Abraham Hicks and The Secret. It's so funny how through life, there are so many times that we can make a situation a positive one as opposed to a negative. Instead of me saying that 'it's Monday and I hate Mondays', I'm now saying 'I'm grateful I have even have a job to go to on Mondays'. Positivity thinking really does go a long way. The first card I pulled at the reading was 'Ask for what you want. Clarity is everything.' I can honestly attest to this. Without a doubt, when you ask for whatever you want, ask for the specifics and be very clear. I'll blog about these situations. It's the truth though. 

Secondly, I finally got to watch 'The Secret'. I watched it last night and was so blown away by the message that it literally took over my whole mindset. My thoughts going to be bed was different. My thoughts getting up this morning were different -positive. The whole idea of law of attraction is so profound and specific. I love that I have finally opened myself up to not only think more positive but to feel more positive. I look at every situation now with a positive attitude. My TTC journey, learning forgiveness and letting go, self love, my life and actions as a writer -everything will be affected by this and for the better. I'm so excited for everything I desired that is here already. I AM - It's a beautiful thing.

Locs update -5 months!

So two days before my 31st birthday, I went and got my locs retwisted. It's been five months since I started my locs. It's been a good transition so far. I'm truly loving it -the whole thing of watching them form and grow. This retwist was a little different. My loctician asked me if I'm ready for a style. I honestly didn't think my locs were long enough to have a style. He told me I got 'hang time'. I told him -ok, give me style, I trust you. He gave me this African crown style and I loved it. I'm not one for updos usually but it looked great. Then after about a week, I took the style down and was really surprised as to how long the locs are. I'm so happy. Next up -color!!! To be continued....

TTC Vent & Hope

So after 34 days of being late, I finally got my cycle. I think the worse part of trying to conceive, aside from the negative tests, the sometimes stupid comments people make about infertility, the days that seem to be worse than others, is waiting. My patience is literally tested everyday. I used to think that I was a very patient person. All things come when it's supposed to. All things come in their own time. Everything happens for a reason. I clearly did not think that I would be going through this where patience and hope are the two things needed to survive. Waiting is so frustrating because you do not know what's going on. You don't have any clue as to what to do. We took two tests and both came out negative. Finally my doctor put me on Provera to kick start my cycle. At first, I thought that was a little backwards. Why would I want my cycle? But...upon doctor's orders, I picked up the prescription and it worked. (Sarcastic) Yay!

Then next day, I had to look at the bright side of it. I told my husband this means we can start another cycle of Clomid, it can then work and we can move forward to good news. The moral of this story ladies is that there is always a good thing even if it's hiding behind a bad thing. #Happy TTC

The Best Man Holiday is the best movie in 2013

I have not seen a lot of movies in the theaters at all. I typically wait until it's in the RedBox. I finally saw 42 a couple of weeks ago and loved it. That movie was done so well and I tip my hat Chadwick Boseman and Alan Tudyk for all the movie but for one particular scene that I cringe just thinking about. If you've seen 42, you'll know that scene I'm talking about. I however will have to say that my new favorite movie is The Best Man Holiday. It's by far the best movie I've seen in a long time. First of all, I think I was like a lot of other people who thought why is there a sequel after almost 13 years. I was a senior in high school when the first one came out. I loved it. As I was hearing more about it, I said that I would check it out because the whole cast is so great at their craft but we don't see them on the screen as much as I think we should.That's another blog.

 

So flash forward to last weekend --the movie premiered and I'm seeing nothing but great reviews. In fact the majority of the reviews were "I laughed and cried!" For anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to cry. I hate crying and I'm definitely not going to cry in public. I mean I don't even like crying in front of my husband. So smart me -I thought why not go to the movies with my father or brother. They certainly aren't going to cry which will then deter me from crying. So Dad and I go and the first half of the movie was hilarious, had some corny moments like most romantic comedies do but the second half -*insert sigh. At first, I was doing good. I could hear other people around sniffling. I could hear tissue boxes opening in preparation for what was coming. But I was good. I kept it together. That lasted for about a good ten minutes. After that, the tears would not stop crying. I cried during the movie. I cried leaving the movie while talking to my Dad about me crying AND I cried on the way home. Like.a.baby. I will not reveal anything because you really need to see this movie. 

I will say that this movie touched so many things in my everyday life that I probably needed that cry. They hit black men and women with issues of infertility to writer's block to pride to faith and holding onto it. Overall -it was a beautiful movie and when I see it again, I will definitely bring my own tissues!

Silent Struggle

It actually hasn't been too silent. The people closest to me know about this struggle. Hell, if you follow me on Pinterest, whether you're close to me or not, you see a lot about this. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for about a year and a half. I've always wanted to be a mother. I think the happiest joy for me aside from my husband would be to be a mother. I love kids and to create a miracle is a beautiful thing. I wanted to be a mother before I wanted to get married. In fact, I told my parents they will have a grand child from me through an artificial insemination. I just did not want to get married and I didn't want a child with the person I was with. Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. Clearly....because this up and down roller coaster is not what I planned on having. I just knew that when we got birth control, it would happen with a few months. I just knew that I would be working on child #2 in our almost 3 years of marriage. I just knew that I would not be joining so many women out there doing everything they can to have a child. Little did I know that creating a child happens in a very small window. Little did I know just how sad I would get with every negative pregnancy. Little did I know how jealous I would get of every pregnant woman I would see--even a pregnant mannequin! It was a mannequin in maternity wear. I had to laugh at my self on that one because I had to have tripped over the cliff with both eyes to be jealous about that. 

A couple of quick facts about my current journey: Upon the request of my OBGYN doctor, we tried naturally for a year and it was a no go. I had several moments of Gasp, could this be the moment? but no go. During that year, I was having irregular cycles -sometimes for months at a time. That wasn't fun at all. After the year passed, I got some blood work done and an ultrasound to check out my uterus. Turns out I had a polyp and needed to be removed. We scheduled a DNC and got prepared. That was interesting because I never heard the term before so was not aware that surgery is typically for women who have had a miscarriage. I am so thankful that I haven't had to endure a miscarriage.
I never had surgery though so that was scary enough but it was success. I didn't die. :) After that, she put me on Clomid. It did what it was supposed to do (YAY!!) but I didn't get pregnant. We did another ultrasound and found a cyst. So now we're going through life like normal and waiting another month to see if the cyst is gone and I can get back on Clomid.

I wanted to share this silent struggle because 1-I want to find and talk to others that are going through and did go through particularly in my circle. I know that out of all the people I talk to through Social Media, someone else is going through this and may need someone to talk to --as do I :) This struggle/journey has rolled over to my writing life. My main character of my latest novel is going through this so I thought why not share it. So just as I did with wedding planning, going back to natural and starting my locs, I welcome you to join me on my journey of having a child. #happywife #happymarriage #happynatural #locd&loaded #happyTTC

Loc'd Hair...Don't Care!

On Aug 10, I finally started my locs. I know that I had blogged before about loc extensions. I'll admit that I was a little nervous about actually going through with it. However, after moving into our house, going to see and meet Jill Scott, and my surgery, I thought what the heck! I am a very patient and understanding woman with life and love; why wouldn't I be with my hair? So I found a loctician on Facebook (Yay Facebook!), contacted him and two days later and for five hours, I went from a rather large fro that I loved to locs.

I didn't know that they were going to be that long but SOOOO happy with my decision. I love the freedom of my locs, not having to do much right now. Locs are all about patience, time and willing to let things go the way it should. I have a loc right now that seems to be slightly crooked. Just a little bit. I tried to pull it down for about ten seconds and then thought to myself -do what you do. In the end, it'll all be how it should be. So yes, here I am..

          LOC'D HAIR ....DON'T CARE!

Last two days

For the last two days, I've done Bantu Knot-Outs and loved each day. Going to work on Monday was interesting for me because my thought process wasn't the usual for me. I am very self conscious and I spend more time with the people I work with than family and my husband. I also work with some critical people. However, I told myself when I made the decision to go back to natural, I would have to embrace it, not to worry about what anybody thinks. The most important thing is what I felt and what I thought. I loved it. I loved how my hair turned out. The style did come out bigger than the first time I tried it. It was cool though.

 That night, when I was twisting and moisturizing, my husband wanted to help. It was interesting to see us both in the bathroom in the mirror while he's helping me do my hair. It let me know he was supportive and how important it was for me to feel comfortable with this transition. It wasn't anything about looking for anyone's approval. Just knowing that he is open minded and helping me go through the journey brings a smile to my face. :)

"I'd make the perfect wife"

Melanie Fiona has a song out now that called 4am. I'm digging the song because I've been there many of times waiting up for my man 2, 3 and 4 in the morning. Whenever I hear it though, there is one line that always catches my eye.

I don't deserve this life. I'd make the perfect wife

Every time I hear it, it always gets me thinking: What makes a woman the perfect wife? What would constitute as that? Does she think she'd be a perfect wife because she's (creating a back story here) been with this guy for some amount of years, loves him no matter what, trusts and honors him, would do anything for him including waiting up yet again for him to come home? As far as I know, there isn't an updated guide to being a good wife. I could only find one and that was from the 1950s. I looked for it. Trust and believe I'm not a 1950s wife. Not saying I couldn't be. I'm sure that I could quit my job, clean the house all day, make sure that full meals are ready no matter when he gets home, greet my husband with a beer or some night cap, don't speak, knit a sweater and make sure that his needs are taken care and disregard my own and give him the best damn sex he ever had no matter how I'm feeling. I could but it's just not me and that's not what my husband asked for. If so, he would have found someone else. Another blog.  

So again, what is the perfect wife? She's a great cook, makes sure the house is immaculate, keeps her look flawless, a good listener, doesn't gossip, balances her emotions, lady in street but a freak in bed? I asked myself this question over and over when we got engaged. I never doubted how I would be as a mother but a wife---a whole different story for me. What is expected and what if I can't do it? The word wife has so much with it that it almost frightened me. My parents, my role models, are wonderful parents but not so much as husband and wife. Then you look at wives we see in public like TV and movies. Who seemed to be the perfect wife? Clair Huxtable of course. She was a career mom. She was funny and intelligent and she kept the home together and she and Cliff still got down in the bedroom. Perfect. I think every mother wanted to be her and every man wanted to marry her. Truth though is that the character is fictional. Possible but fictional. Plus I think for any wife to be perfect, her husband/spouse would need to match them. The Huxtables as a unit worked. They were there for each other. They listened to each other and helped the other. She wasn't a perfect wife. She was perfect for him ...in TV land. So now here we are in reality and women are getting married every day. When you say "I do'', know that you cannot be the perfect wife. Don't strive for it because you will hurt yourself trying. I learned that after about six months. I was trying to work 8 to 10 hours, come home, cook dinner and clean the kitchen along with handling the money. He didn't ask for that. I told him that what I would do before we got married so for about six months, that's what I did. I then got to a point where I was stressing because I felt like I was doing things by myself. He asked to help but I wanted to be the perfect wife and do it all. I asked for it so why complain.  I had to tell myself that I couldn't. So now I still do cook meals and clean but we do it together. I still handle the money but we do it together.What do you think constitutes as the perfect wife?

Growing...

This is just a random blog that's been on the brain for a minute so bear with. March happens to be Women's History Month. Last year, I started researching facts about the unknown black women that aren't profiled as much as others. I learned a lot about different women and shared that info on my Twitter and Facebook pages. This year, I thought I would take a different route. 

I was born in Korea, raised in Germany and came to the states in the early 90s. Raised in a two parent home with one younger brother in a middle class home. I had always been shy and self conscious about how I looked. I used to be super skinny with a big forehead, big nose, thick hair and big glasses. A lot of that hasn't changed except for the skinny part. None of my features or my skin tone 't really bothered me too much....or so I thought. I remember once in the 5th grade where it was the parent/teacher conference. My mother gave me the 3 braids (2 in the front and one big one in the back) with the big ball hair ties. I had these and my pink glasses. We walked in and my teacher said, "Wow! You look just like Whoopi Goldberg!" He then starts laughing loudly. For the rest of the year I was taunted with the nickname Whoopi or Celie from the Color Purple. When he first said that, I was hurt. I felt ugly and ashamed and extra black. It was like I knew I was the darkest student in the class but now, I was being followed with Danny Glover's famous line

Look at you. Your black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all! 

 Needless to say, I became even more of a recluse and whatever self esteem I had was now lost. That nickname followed me until 7th grade. Then I remember seeing the movies Posse and Low Down Dirty Shame and saw Sally Richardson-Whitfield. I immediately wanted to look like her. I wanted to be tall, skinny, pretty and light. At least lighter than I was. Then that led to me wanting to look like Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams (singer), Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, etc. I never tried to lighten my skin or bash myself loudly. It was more of a silent cry --why do I look like this. Why have I have to be compared to a woman that will forever be known as dark, black ugly Celie? 

Junior year of high school, I read Black Boy by Richard Wright. It's one of my all time favorite books. I absolutely loved it and I slowly began to love the skin that I'm in. If you read the book, you'll know why. Then I saw Lauryn Hill singing Killing Me Softly. For the first time, I saw a dark skinned woman that I thought I could relate to physically. Not looks-wise because I definitely don't look anything like her but just of how proud she was of her and her skin. That was the positive. The negative of that was it took for me to look at a celebrity to really appreciate my mother. I look just like my mother and during all that time that I was hating me and how I looked, I was in part hating her as well because she gave me these looks. She gave me this skin. After I truly woke up, I then began to look at all of our shades and tones and was proud of what I am and who I am. Today, I can honestly say that I love the fact that I may look like Whoopi Goldberg. I think she is an incredible person on so many levels and would not want to change myself. Now my weight (insert sigh). 

 So that is my history as a black woman so far. What has your history shown you?