Observation

The one thing that makes infertility so hard is that it's a very small window of opportunity. If you want to lose weight, you work out and eat healthier. If you want a better job or want more money in your current job, you work harder. You work more hours, increase knowledge and gain more exposure with upper management. Or you found your niche and work with that. If you want more romance or find like minded people, you find them. You try new things. All of these goals can be reached by changing your mindset. These goals are reachable. It takes hard work but it can be done. No matter how much I want to be a mother and think positive every day, no matter how much sex we have, no matter how many vitamins and water I take, if we miss that window, we have to wait until the next month when the window is open again. Or what if we've done all of this and I'm not ovulating, the window was never open to begin with. It's the luck of the draw and it sucks. Infertility sucks. I've been working everyday on my mind and thoughts and keeping everything positive. I know that everything will happen when it's supposed and I trust my body to do what it should. It does get to the point where I understand why women after a few months are frustrated and want to give up. After this second cycle of Clomid didn't work, I told my husband that we will try one more time. If it doesn't work, he and I have decided to take a break. No doctors or medications -just living and being married and if it happens, great. If not, that is okay too.

Enlightening weekend!

You ever have a moment or a weekend where you've gained insight? You've gained a new perspective, a new outlook, something that just enlightens your mind and being. This past weekend was just that for me. It was like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday or like going to church but not going to church. I was being taught about essentially the same concept but through different avenues. First, I went to have a tarot reading for the first time. I've always been open-minded with learning something new, particularly with spirituality. I believe that anything spiritual is a forever learning journey. It's never ending with infinite ideas and thoughts if you're open-minded and willing to listen. It doesn't hurt to try something new. So with the encouragement of a friend of mine, I went. Anytime she did, she always felt better about her situations so I thought why not? I won't get into what all she said but it definitely showed me that I'm on the right path with my thoughts and emotions. I've been working on daily affirmations and mantras and turning it into a habit by choice. I've been reading a lot of Abraham Hicks and The Secret. It's so funny how through life, there are so many times that we can make a situation a positive one as opposed to a negative. Instead of me saying that 'it's Monday and I hate Mondays', I'm now saying 'I'm grateful I have even have a job to go to on Mondays'. Positivity thinking really does go a long way. The first card I pulled at the reading was 'Ask for what you want. Clarity is everything.' I can honestly attest to this. Without a doubt, when you ask for whatever you want, ask for the specifics and be very clear. I'll blog about these situations. It's the truth though. 

Secondly, I finally got to watch 'The Secret'. I watched it last night and was so blown away by the message that it literally took over my whole mindset. My thoughts going to be bed was different. My thoughts getting up this morning were different -positive. The whole idea of law of attraction is so profound and specific. I love that I have finally opened myself up to not only think more positive but to feel more positive. I look at every situation now with a positive attitude. My TTC journey, learning forgiveness and letting go, self love, my life and actions as a writer -everything will be affected by this and for the better. I'm so excited for everything I desired that is here already. I AM - It's a beautiful thing.

Locs update -5 months!

So two days before my 31st birthday, I went and got my locs retwisted. It's been five months since I started my locs. It's been a good transition so far. I'm truly loving it -the whole thing of watching them form and grow. This retwist was a little different. My loctician asked me if I'm ready for a style. I honestly didn't think my locs were long enough to have a style. He told me I got 'hang time'. I told him -ok, give me style, I trust you. He gave me this African crown style and I loved it. I'm not one for updos usually but it looked great. Then after about a week, I took the style down and was really surprised as to how long the locs are. I'm so happy. Next up -color!!! To be continued....

TTC Vent & Hope

So after 34 days of being late, I finally got my cycle. I think the worse part of trying to conceive, aside from the negative tests, the sometimes stupid comments people make about infertility, the days that seem to be worse than others, is waiting. My patience is literally tested everyday. I used to think that I was a very patient person. All things come when it's supposed to. All things come in their own time. Everything happens for a reason. I clearly did not think that I would be going through this where patience and hope are the two things needed to survive. Waiting is so frustrating because you do not know what's going on. You don't have any clue as to what to do. We took two tests and both came out negative. Finally my doctor put me on Provera to kick start my cycle. At first, I thought that was a little backwards. Why would I want my cycle? But...upon doctor's orders, I picked up the prescription and it worked. (Sarcastic) Yay!

Then next day, I had to look at the bright side of it. I told my husband this means we can start another cycle of Clomid, it can then work and we can move forward to good news. The moral of this story ladies is that there is always a good thing even if it's hiding behind a bad thing. #Happy TTC

Social Media & TTC

Social media has definitely helped me through this TTC journey that we're on. I can find other women going through the same thing, have been through the same thing or just starting quicker. Although I know that I'm not the only one going through this, it's always a little easier to take in when you get encouragement from other people. It's amazing when I plug in #TTC, #babydust, or #trying to conceive into Pinterest or Instagram, how many women and groups pop up. I've already met some great people on Instagram and TheBump.com. I've gotten a lot of my questions from these women and will always be grateful.

When we first started, I was on a high and low search for black women who are dealing with issues of trying to conceive. It's not a topic that we generally hear within our community. Unfortunately it's the opposite but I know that there are more of us that are praying for children but maybe not able or running into issues. In fact it used to be the running joke between me and some friends of mine. I was the same age or a little older than the group, yet the only one that didn't have children. I would always get the reaction of "Why not?" like I was crazy or something. Little did they know. But to get back on track ---I'm still looking for said group but I have realized that we're all women and anyone that is going through this needs just as much encouragement as I do. So ladies you are not alone. It's definitely a struggle but there is hope out there. #HappyTTC

Nelson Mandela

I had a blog all ready to post about a loss in our history. We definitely loss a great spirit and soul that we will be thanking for years and years to come but was then distracted by how many people did not Nelson Mandela. Just all around not fully knowing the greatness of this man. I then had to think back and remember that I don't think we were taught about Nelson Mandela until maybe sophomore year of high school. After that it was U.S. history and then American Government. It hurt my heart that they were so many kids that not only didn't know who he was or what he did but not even want to find out who he was. Very saddening to me. It's definitely a need to educate outside of the history books and classes. These kids need to know more than scores on a test. Makes you wonder how our educational system is even working.

Merry Christmas BeyHive!

So...I love all kinds of music. I love Jazz, Neo-Soul, classical music. I love to dance and cry and laugh and sing and write and live to music. I love it all and I will admit I am a huge Beyonce fan. I used to deny it all the time. Not sure why. Maybe it was because she was every where doing everything. To me, all she did was since dance music. Nothing with any true depth. Don't get me wrong -I love to dance so Freakum Dress, Ring the Alarm, Crazy in Love, and Diva always got me hype at the gym and when I needed to write a very busy scene. Then I heard her sing Flaws and All on Ellen and immediately fell in love with the song. It showed that Beyonce wasn't just a powerful singer telling everyone that she could never be hurt or scared or afraid because she is the great and powerful Beyonce. I've always needed music that made me feel something other than I'm a diva and I don't have to worry about someone hurting me. I heard Flaws and All a month or two after I got engaged. I was so nervous about getting married after just two months of accepting this life long proposal. It just scared me. Flaws and All helped me out tremendously. If you're in a relationship, married or not, and haven't heard this, you need to. Anyone married would understand but also in a relationship, you would too. Then I saw the video and it showed so much of a vulnerable Beyonce, that I had to admit that I was a true diehard fan. I love her music, style, honesty, the whole thing. Didn't understand the name Blue Ivy, didn't believe she was with Jay-Z until I heard it from her lips that they were together but I was still with her fans every step of the way. I teared up when she announced that she was pregnant. I ooh and ah at the baby pictures and the more open she became, she became more accessible. Okay ---so flash forward to December 13, Beyonce releases her fifth album Beyonce. 17 tracks and 17 videos accompanied. I saw the 30 second video teasers and I think she's done it again. I love pretty much all of the songs. I thought the song she did with Drake but it'll grow me. I love them all though and can't wait to get the album. I would love to see her in concert. It's definitely on my Bucketlist however...unless I win tickets to see her or by some crazy way, she sees this post and invites me, I don't see it happening anytime soon. Peace and love.